So as you know i always keep it real because i believe our stories can help and inspire others or maybe just make them feel like someone else understands. So I'm going to recap with you the men in my past year. Since my last real relationship ended its been one disappointment after another. I think i should of just let myself be alone for a while but lets face it I'm a woman and i get lonely, not to mention this girl isn't getting any younger and id like to imagine a future without ice cream and cats. Look i know what everyone says. "You have to love yourself before anyone will love you." yea yea yea I know all about loving myself, i think I'm freaking awesome but damn can this sista catch a break? Why is it some people just seem to find love and happiness and others have to go through war to find their mate. Maybe its because the general public tends to settle? I don't know, but I'm over it!
So I finally wave the white flag and admit that maybe its time to take a break from looking for "love" and maybe then love will find me.
Ok......so here goes, my year of men. Lets hope i can remember. And don't worry guys ill change the names in case one of you reads this.
Lets start with the one the helped my get over my ex. We will call him "Steve", Steve let me vent all I wanted, he basically let me be crazy until one day he couldn't take the crazy any more. See, Steve was a good Friend but we crossed the line and you never do that when you are in a fragile break up state. He now is a great friend but he had to put me in my place many times and pretty much let me know "He's Just not that into me."
Next there was.. lets call him Frank. Frank was someone i met on an online dating site (yes people Ive done that and i have no shame in my game) Frank lived at home and had no job but he was hilarious and filled a void i needed at that time. We made out, nothing else and of course Frank had commitment issues and shaded out on me. AWESOME i even get rejected by losers.
Then there was a slew of Internet men. I'm gonna keep it short because this could go on for hours
"Mark" from New York. A pretentious hipster who was very complimentary and a great kisser but played head games with me for a month and like to critized everything about me for his own amusment.
"Matt" A sweetheart from Philly who also lived at home and had no job. This one was the only one who didn't reject me, I pretty much decided it wasn't going anywhere and ended it. He was a great cuddler but can a girl get a real date??
"Kyle" A very successful gentleman from new jersey. Took me out on proper dates, talked to me like a lady but just never followed up or made an effort to see me. This one at least had class. Kind of a square but at least he wasnt a jerk.
Ok and there is one more but ill save him for last because he was the one that really took the cake!
Then there was this guy Garrett. That's his real name and hes the biggest coward i ever met. We met in Brooklyn when i ended up at a bar he was managing and hit it off instantly. Talked everyday for over a month until we have a fabulous day in NYC. So this one was the nice guy right? WRONG. never heard from him again. I racked my brain trying to figure it out but had no conclusions.
Next there was "Alex" A bad boy from Atlantic city. Oh this one was hot and he knew it. The thing with bad boys is..they aren't boyfriend material. He loved to make plans with me and disappear for days. Sweet guy but he has classic hot guy syndrome. Doesn't have to try so he doesn't try.
WHEW my hands hurt!
Next...
Ok we are down to the final 3 of the past year (i think)
"Bob" bob was a real dossier. He had money and status and he saw me as his perfect prey. Totally manipulated me into being in a relationship with him, bought me this laptop I'm using as we speak(at least he was good for something) and promised me trips and a live of luxury and love.So i figured ok, i always go out with guys who [pay me no attention and reject me, why not give this one a try. As soon as i opened up and started to fall for him...BAM he was out. Mission blond girl accomplished. He did some damage to my brain but man I'm i thankful it didn't work out. can we say blessing in disguise
"Dan" A heavily tattooed smooth talker. See Dan was good and bad for me because he was used to crazy so boy did i let him have it but he liked to disappear to. whats with me and flakes?! Dan and i had some crazy chemistry but i think that's as far as it went. No proper dates from this one either and he ended up ignoring me after a slew of crazy girl text( refer to last post and you'll see what i mean)
Now we are cool but i don't think anything was meant to come of that one
Last but not least "Jason"
oh Jason.. man this one had something. A smile that just made me melt and that devilish yet boyish charm that i couldn't help but fall for. This one had real potential like no one I've ever met. This one i saw myself walking down the isle with and i can tell you I've never seen that with anyone even my ex boyfriends. When we were together it was like nothing existed. He was perfect with my daughter and just made me feel all around beautiful and special. Finlay i had found the one that wont leave, be shady or run away..WRONG! oh man did he do a number on me. Not one, not two but three times ended it for no reason. This one got the good Sarah, not the crazy insecure Sarah. He got me at my best. So why did he have to come into my life? To give me hope and then snatch it away before i couldn't really enjoy it. I should know by now that a guy like this would break my heart. That beautiful tortured soul of his just got to me. I thought i was done with my fixer uppers until i met him with his blue eyes...*sigh*To make a long story even longer, he told me that he didn't have that "thing" aka attraction for me and being with me made him realize he missed another girl from his past. Take all my insecurities and fears of what a man will tell me and that's what he said and to make matters worse i was SO into him.
So that one really made me think about my part in all this. God is teaching me something and i need to listen. There is something in my attracting these type of men and each time one leaves me i instantly find another when I'm not even healed from the last heart ache.
I thought this last one took away my hope. I felt broken and cried on my floor for hours. I felt my heart was literally being beat up and this was just a cruel joke. The first time i meet someone who i see a real future with turns out to be a nut and reject me in the worst way.
But....
Guess what?
I still have hope because this one taught me that i need to be alone and heal from all the heart burn of the last year. This one showed me that i need to feel alone and be ok. This one taught me that it really isn't me sometimes. Dating is hard and hurtful sometimes but i have to keep dusting myself off and holding my head high because when that right man comes along i don't want him to get my broken bruised heart. I want him to have my healed hopeful heart, because, really we all deserve that.
Sorry for the length in this one and the poor grammar. I had tons to vent this time
Hope someone is healing from reading this and i hope no matter what you pick yourself up and move on, because that's all we can do
Now go ride a bike its beautiful outside!
XOXO
Sarah
