Did you miss me?? I know you did! Well as usual I wont disappoint and I bring you, yet another disappointing dating disaster... Lets be honest, I know what I'm doing has been an epic fail (and yes i know that phrase is played out but oh well). I've been attracting all the wrong types and the more I date the worse it gets, when inside, my soul is screaming..."STOP DATING FOR A WHILE". but noooooo, Sarah hates to give up control, she would rather learn the hard way through tears and disappointment. I even went to talk to a counselor at my church and his advice was to take a break from dating for six months so I can heal and be whole before I'm ready to meet the right one, so I did exactly that...NOT! As soon as I left the church I knew I wouldn't be able to keep that deal because the man I was seeing already had a hold on me. This man clearly was not going to be my husband but he provided comfort and I enjoyed that feeling of having someone even though inevitably I knew it would end.. and it did.. horribly! See, when you force a man to be something you want he will always rebel, so the problem isn't me, the problem is choosing the wrong men and fooling myself into thinking they will fall for me and all will be right in the world as we skip off into the sunset.
So the epiphany may of finally happened, MAYBE! As I was driving home from said mans house last night I realized that I am willfully hurting myself and there is something addicting about that pain that keeps me coming back for more. I cant remember the last decent guy I went out with that made me feel good about myself and there is a reason for that, I haven't felt good about myself in a very long time and therefore I attract men that affirm that feeling. I am no victim I am a masochist that throws herself into the fire and cries when she gets burned. Inside my head I know what I need to do but the flesh is weak and keeps me from growing and keeps me insecure and needy. Ive always cared so much about what these men think of me, so much so that its actually driven me and them crazy. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure of one thing... The more you explain to someone you're not crazy the crazier you appear, but in the end it doesn't matter what they think, it matters how you see yourself. I'm so stubborn and life keeps teaching me the same lesson over and over until, hopefully one day i get it. I sometimes feel like I have an addiction to attention. That is a very scary thing to admit but this is the one area in my life that continues to hold me back so i guess i should start to face the truth, right?
See, its not about the "love" you get from another person its about the silent satisfaction of accepting what is, and letting go of the fear and control for what is not. I continue to fall into the same pattern because my heart is repeatedly broken and beat up. I put my heart on a silver platter and lay it at a mans feet and expect them to respect and love me when I've shown them nothing but a girl who will accept anything she's given, like a hungry dog panting for a bone. I give 100% of my emotions and scare the piss out of anyone who gets close to me. Even if I met prince charming he wouldn't carry this baggage. you'd need to be on some heavy roids to carry this chip on my shoulder. Now I'm not saying its all my fault, I mean some guys are just plain wolves in sheep's clothing, but I've seen the light and I continue to walk in the dark.
So enough is enough..
Yes I've said this before but I will keep saying it until this is a reality for me. A man told me that I have this way of making people feel guilty, and he was right. I act like everything is ok and "I'm breezy", when the truth is I almost always want more and its not fair to me or them to pretend it's something else. As much as I hate to admit this, I've always had my identity wrapped up in the affections of a man and the hopes that love will save me from myself. Logically I know this is a false sense of security but emotionally I just keep going back for the abuse. Ironically i spend a lot of time on my own and i really do like who i am but there is a part of me that just wont grow because I'm holding on to this damaging fairytale mindset.
This all sounds really depressing i know, but believe me its not because i have a new understanding of why I'm doing what i do and how i can change it. I know I'm in control of my actions, even if I'm not in control of other people's. I know I'm in control of my opinion of myself even if i cant control others opinions of me. I know I'm in control of how much of myself i give to another person even if I'm not in control of what they give to me and most of all I'm in control of the ability to keep the hope and faith that I will be strong, I will heal and i will have the love i deserve one day. We all are going though life with scars, some of us cover them with over confidence, some with sex and some with substances. My hope is that someone reading this finds that they are not alone in this journey and that whatever they are going through, there is always hope. I've cried so hard sometimes I've just felt like my heart was literally breaking. The sad thing is the guys I've dated recently have probably thought I was nuts over them because of how I reacted when it was over but the truth is this is repeated damage that gets worse and worse every time and until I stop allowing it to happen it will continue. There comes a time when enough is just enough. I keep ripping the bandage off before the wound is healed and its time for me to just stop, breath and take some time to remember who i am and what I want. Sometimes its OK not to be OK. Sometimes its OK not to be strong. Sometimes its OK to admit defeat, but then you pick yourself up, you look and the mirror and your stronger, your better and your more than OK.. you're GREAT.
xoxo
Sarah
