Ever since i was a little girl I just knew i was gonna be something. There was not one doubt that i would be famous, so i lived my life with no back up plan. I moved to NYC when i was 19 and i just knew that fame was in my fate. I remember sitting in the McDonalds(I know what you are thinking but it was a big McDonalds and I could sit there for free) in times square at the age of 22 and thinking i have eight more years to make it big. I was so terrified that those eight years would come and that i wouldnt have "made it". Well, here i am ten years later and i am not famous. I have had some little bits of attention here and there, even a record deal(that never came to fruition) but never got that big break.....and then one day............
I GOT PREGNANT! ooops! i was 23, living in Brooklyn, working at Madam Tussauds wax museum,three months behind in my rent and living off dollar pizza. Yup, living the dream. I'll never forget the day I packed up all my stuff and moved in with my brother in Delaware, that was on of the most depressing days of my life.
I felt like the dreams i had for myself were gone and that i would now live a mundane life of grey and all the color was gone from my future.
I felt like my freedom was taken and now i would just be another stereotypical single mom.
So I had to alter my dream, except I didn't alter, I settled. I pretty much felt like it was over for me but i didnt want any type of career so I just kept getting lame receptionist, bar tenting or waitressing jobs. I never really had any future plans for who I was going to be. I fell right into the damsel in distress role and i was not a pretty princess, i was a pathetic victim always placing the blame on someone else. I lived my life like this for years. Yes i loved(love) my little girl and loved being a mom but deep down i just felt like something was missing and that maybe fame could still happen for me. I was living my life in limbo, just waiting for something or someone to come along and make it all better.... but...... they didn't come and no one knocked on my door and the only people who did come along were toxic and unhealthy.
There has always been this fear in me that if I am good at something else and I become a responsible adult then I will loose the creative carefree spirit that had been my identity for so long. I honestly didn't know another way to be. Sarah was always broke financially and broken in relationships. Sarah was always forgetful and made stupid mistakes at her jobs, always the bubbly silly blond that no one ever took to seriously and I'm not gonna lie I played that role to like a Hollywood actress. No one expected much from me so I gave the bear minimum.
Its only in the past few months that Ive realized my identity does not have to be that girl anymore. I can be fun and silly and carefree but also responsible, reliable and good at something other than entertainment. Yes, there will always be a part of me that still believes it could happen and I'm always going to be a hopeless romantic, a bad speller, a little disorganized and scatter brained at times, but i do not have to accept the woe is me mentality anymore. I can be good at my day job and still be creative and uniquie.
When your identity is tied to "being a mess" It is very hard to break the cycle and realize you can be more than what you were or are. Ive experienced some harsh growing pains over the past few months, the fear of accepting the new altered role of who i am becoming makes me uncomfortable and honestly It scares the crap out of me. I don't know what will happen from this point on but i do know I am tired of living in the fear of success and haven't the "lottery mentality".
I want to have a fruitful life for me and my daughter. I want to push my limits and start to be something Ive always fear... AN ADULT!
So for once, its not about a boy.. its about me. Its about taking responsibility and becoming my own person. Its about redefining my identity. I don't have to be a victim any more. I don't have to be Sarah, the girl who always is broke or loses her job or has some heartbreak. I can be more and i can be better without losing myself. I don't know where this road will take me but I am excited for the future!
So maybe you should redefine who you are too. Its ok to let go of things that have held you down and even if you fight it and it hurts, embrace the change because in the end the caterpillar who lets itself die to his its
Hope everyone is inspired and grateful today!
XOXO
Sarah
