Hi! Omg it's been so long since I last ranted to you about my life/lovelife!! As most of you know this blog started as a health and fitness blog but quickly turned into a compulsively honest diary about my lack of luck in the love department. Sadly.. True love still hasn't found me, yet I remain the hopeless romanic who never ceases to loose the "ya never know" attitude. My dating experience? Still short lived and sadly, they always ends the same.. Disappointing. Bitter? Nah this girl watched to many movies to give up hope just yet!
"Well let me bring it back to the subject"(a little salt and peppa reference for my 90s peeps)
The reason why I haven't written in a while is because my laptop(first and only laptop I've ever had) was stolen out of my car, oh and that job I had in my last post, yea that's gone too. (Laid off not fired) So here I am back to waitressing full time. It's ironic.. Everytime I force myself into a "career" I'm not really into, something seems to take it away. Is it that it's not meant to be or I'm just not fit for the 9-5 world? The jury is still out...
The other day I had a horrible thought, I realized All the plans I've had for my life just aren't falling into place. Then i thought, that's it...I'm a waitress, all I am is a waitress. Obviously I'm a singer and a mom but I literally in that moment had no desire to climb the corporate or any other ladder for that matter. (Semi rhyme?)
I digress ..For years I've been thinking of a back up plan. Go back to school? Find another unreliable desk job I hate? All of these things seems to fall at my feet with every other pipe dream in my brain and at the end of the day, I am just lost at 32. The world around me is full of wives, college students, professionals I serve sushi to, people with a purpose, people who have a plan, people I sometimes envy. I feel like I'm just living my life day to day, with each minute loosing the idealism I once had, loosing the momentum to be anything more than what I am at this very moment.
Now this all sounds depressing but I assure you it's not. Maybe I'm just redefining what "purpose" is. Maybe waitressing until I find something that speaks to me is my path. Maybe being lost is part of the find.
I'm in a band, I'm working on a solo album. I pay my bills and I laugh daily. No, it's not the dream I once had but it is my reality. Its an odd feeling when you come to the realization that you're not the girl in high school planning her future anymore and that in this very moment, like it or not, is your life.
A single mom.
A waitress.
A singer.
A loner.
Unlucky in love an still getting it wrong.
Falling down over and over and still getting back up
Making a fool of myself and still laughing
Watching others thrive
Watching others get married
Watching children who have an involved father
Watching people travel
Watching people write without spelling and or grammar errors ;)
Feeling alone
Feeling lost
Feeling scared
Feeling alive.
All of this is life. Good, bad, raw and beautiful.
See the thing is.. Maybe I'll never get it right, maybe I'll never find what I think I should have, but what I have is beautiful and real and it's mine.
I look in the eyes of my daughter and I know that I'm doing something right and the only thing I need to change is the perception of my life's dream.
Ok that was deep... And a little long winded. That's me, I never shut up!
So anyway I'm sure you're all wondering about my love life..
Well
It's uh.. Non existent but I'll be damned if I give up!
One day I won't be too much for someone, one day that love will find but until then I'm just gonna keep messing up and finding the beauty In the mess.
I hope this inspires someone!
Xoxo
Sarah
