The Motherside

As I lay here awake with my 5 month old daughter sleeping soundly in the crib next to me, I can't help but think about what being a mom really means. Sometimes I wonder what is a "good" parent? With so much judgment in the world around us, yet so much dysfunction in our own lives, how can we ever tell someone else what is "good"? The scary thing is, anyone(that can get pregnant) can have a child. There is no class you have to pass, or background check to conceive. You have to take a test to operate a vehicle, but not raise a child, (obviously adoption is the exception but you get my drift) kind of scary when you wrap your head around that. Anyway that's not my point. Like at all.. Today I was reflecting on how much my life has changed since becoming a mother of a second child. My older daughter is already eleven, and as I get ready for the teen drama that is about to unfold, I simultaneously embark on a whole new journey of firsts, with my little one, Violet. I'm going to be honest, really honest. Some days I literally mourn for my old life, and even as I type that I feel the guilt wash over me. See, when You're a mom, guilt is pretty much with you all day and all night. You want some freedom? Ohh, what you don't enjoy your kids? What's that, you miss going out? What kind of a mom are you? This is the internal dialogue that plays in my mind, on repeat. I don't want to be the kind of person that constantly looks back at my life and glamorizes what I use to have, because what I had then was far from perfect yet it's so easy to see the grass a whole lot greener when your standing on the motherside (see what I did there?) The bittersweet feeling of being a mother, yearning for the freedom that you had before the sleepless nights all while basking in the glory of baby laughs and maternal bliss. And let's not even talk about what happens to your body and how long it takes to get back to where you were! Seriously I could write a book on that! Constantly comparing yourself to other people, and feeling as though you'll never measure up. Looking at your beautiful baby and being so complete yet feeling so lonely and lost at the same time. And you know.. I use to think that the married women have it all together and that life must be so much easier for them, because they have a partner to share this journey with, but the truth is when you are a mother you always feel like you could be doing more. If anyone feels like I do, you know there is always an internal pressure to prove yourself. To Prove that you don't just stay home and do nothing all day. To prove that what you're doing is just as valuable as a corporate job. To prove that just because you might not talk to another adult all day doesn't mean that you're not interesting. To prove that you don't need a man, and that you're doing just fine alone. To prove that you don't feel bad about yourself or that you don't care what others think. To prove that being a single mom doesn't mean your damaged goods. Most importantly, to prove to yourself that you are doing the best you can and that everyday you wake up has purpose, because you are molding a human being. And as I struggle every day with this constant battle of guilt and pride, I am reminded of the incredible love produced from my "job" as a mother. The way my daughters look at me with pure,innocent, unconditional love. They don't care if my body is perfect or my make up is flawless. They don't care if I'm a waitress or movie star, they just care that I'm mom. Please remember most of us are doing the best we can. We don't need to be shamed or guilted or judged. We probably beat ourselves up more than you ever could. Let's be kind and supportive. And remember..as my dad Plato said "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." Oh and one more thing... Tell your mom you love her! Ps (Plato's not my dad) Happy Mother's Day! Xoxo Sarah