Dreams lost? wake up and redefine!

Hi! Omg it's been so long since I last ranted to you about my life/lovelife!! As most of you know this blog started as a health and fitness blog but quickly turned into a compulsively honest diary about my lack of luck in the love department. Sadly.. True love still hasn't found me, yet I remain the hopeless romanic who never ceases to loose the "ya never know" attitude. My dating experience? Still short lived and sadly, they always ends the same.. Disappointing. Bitter? Nah this girl watched to many movies to give up hope just yet!

"Well let me bring it back to the subject"(a little salt and peppa reference for my 90s peeps)
The reason why I haven't written in a while is because my laptop(first and only laptop I've ever had) was stolen out of my car, oh and that job I had in my last post, yea that's gone too. (Laid off not fired)  So here I am back to waitressing full time. It's ironic.. Everytime I force myself into a  "career" I'm not really into, something seems to take it away.  Is it that it's not meant to be or  I'm just not fit for the 9-5 world? The jury is still out...
The other day I had a horrible thought, I realized All the plans I've had for my life just aren't falling into place. Then  i thought, that's it...I'm a waitress, all I am is a waitress. Obviously I'm a singer and a mom but I literally in that moment had no desire to climb the corporate or any other ladder for that matter. (Semi rhyme?)
I digress ..For years I've been thinking of a back up plan. Go back to school? Find another unreliable desk job I hate? All of these things seems to fall at my feet with every other pipe dream in my brain and at the end of the day, I am just lost at 32. The world around me is full of wives, college students,  professionals I serve sushi to, people with a purpose, people who have a plan, people I sometimes envy. I feel like I'm just living my life day to day, with each minute loosing the idealism I once had, loosing the momentum to be anything more than what I am at this very moment.
Now this all sounds depressing but I assure you it's not. Maybe I'm just redefining what "purpose" is. Maybe waitressing until I find something that speaks to me is my path. Maybe being lost is part of the find.
I'm in a band, I'm working on a solo album. I pay my bills and I laugh daily. No, it's not the dream I once had but it is my reality. Its an odd feeling when you come to the realization that you're not the girl in high school planning her future anymore and that in this very moment, like it or not, is your life.
 A single mom.
A waitress.
A singer.
A loner.
Unlucky in love an still getting it wrong.
Falling down over and over and still getting back up
Making a fool of myself and still laughing
Watching others thrive
Watching others get married
Watching children who have an involved father
Watching people travel
Watching people write without spelling and or grammar errors ;)

Feeling alone
Feeling lost
Feeling scared
Feeling alive.
All of this is life. Good, bad, raw and beautiful.
See the thing is.. Maybe I'll never get it right, maybe I'll never find what I think I should have, but what I have is beautiful and real and it's mine.
I look in the eyes of my daughter and I know that I'm doing something right and the only thing I need to change is the perception of my life's dream.
Ok that was deep... And a little long winded. That's me, I never shut up!
So anyway I'm sure you're all wondering about my love life..
Well
It's uh.. Non existent but I'll be damned if I give up!
One day I won't be too much for someone, one day that love will find but until then I'm just gonna keep messing up and finding the beauty In the mess.
I hope this inspires someone!
Xoxo
Sarah
 

but...but.. I DONT WANNA GROW UP!!!

Ok, so first of all, HI! how is everyone? did you miss me? Any who lets get to it,because i don't have much time today. Now, i could go on and on about boys again but lets face it, you all know the deal. Hopeless romantic who puts her heart out there to all the wrong men and gets hurt,dissed, or just played for a fool. Is it bad that i feel OK or maybe even a little numb to it these days. Of course i want to meet my prince charming but I've been working so much that i haven't even let it get to me that much anymore....Which leads me to the real reason for today's post....
Ever since i was a little girl I just knew i was gonna be something. There was not one doubt that i would be famous, so i lived my life with no back up plan. I moved to NYC when i was 19 and i just knew that fame was in my fate. I remember sitting in the McDonalds(I know what you are thinking but it was a big McDonalds and I could sit there for free) in times square at the age of 22 and thinking i have eight more years to make it big. I was so terrified that those eight years would come and that i wouldnt have "made it". Well, here i am ten years later and i am not famous. I have had some little bits of attention here and there, even a record deal(that never came to fruition) but never got that big break.....and then one day............
I GOT PREGNANT! ooops! i was 23, living in Brooklyn, working at Madam Tussauds wax museum,three months behind in my rent and living off dollar pizza. Yup, living the dream. I'll never forget the day I packed up all my stuff and moved in with my brother in Delaware, that was on of the most depressing days of my life.
I felt like the dreams i had for myself were gone and that i would now live a mundane life of grey and all the color was gone from my future.
I felt like my freedom was taken and now i would just be another stereotypical single mom.
So I had to alter my dream, except I didn't alter, I settled. I pretty much felt like it was over for me but i didnt want any type of career so I just kept getting lame receptionist, bar tenting or waitressing jobs. I never really had any future plans for who I was going to be. I fell right into the damsel in distress role and i was not a pretty princess, i was a pathetic victim always placing the blame on someone else. I lived my life like this for years. Yes i loved(love) my little girl and loved being a mom but deep down i just felt like something was missing and that maybe fame could still happen for me. I was living my life in limbo, just waiting for something or someone to come along and make it all better.... but...... they didn't come and no one knocked on my door and the only people who did come along were toxic and unhealthy.
There has always been this fear in me that if I am good at something else and I become a responsible adult then I will loose the creative carefree spirit that had been my identity for so long. I honestly didn't know another way to be. Sarah was always broke financially and broken in relationships. Sarah was always forgetful and made stupid mistakes at her jobs, always the bubbly silly blond that no one ever took to seriously and I'm not gonna lie I played that role to like a Hollywood actress. No one expected much from me so I gave the bear minimum.
Its only in the past few months that Ive realized my identity does not have to be that girl anymore. I can be fun and silly and carefree but also responsible, reliable and good at something other than entertainment. Yes, there will always be a part of me that still believes it could happen and I'm always going to be a hopeless romantic, a bad speller, a little disorganized and scatter brained at times, but i do not have to accept the woe is me mentality anymore. I can be good at my day job and still be creative and uniquie.
When your identity is tied to "being a mess" It is very hard to break the cycle and realize you can be more than what you were or are. Ive experienced some harsh growing pains over the past few months, the fear of accepting the new altered role of who i am becoming makes me uncomfortable and honestly It scares the crap out of me. I don't know what will happen from this point on but i do know I am tired of living in the fear of success and haven't the "lottery mentality". 
I want to have a fruitful life for me and my daughter. I want to push my limits and start to be something Ive always fear... AN ADULT!
So for once, its not about a boy.. its about me. Its about taking responsibility and becoming my own person. Its about redefining my identity. I don't have to be a victim any more. I don't have to be Sarah, the girl who always is broke or loses her job or has some heartbreak. I can be more and i can be better without losing myself. I don't know where this road will take me but I am excited for the future!
So maybe you should redefine who you are too. Its ok to let go of things that have held you down and even if you fight it and it hurts, embrace the change because in the end the caterpillar who lets itself die to his its

ways becomes a beautiful butterfly! (corny i know,but true)
Hope everyone is inspired and grateful today!
XOXO
Sarah

Just Stop

HELLLLOOOOOOO MY LOVES!
Did you miss me?? I know  you did! Well as usual I wont disappoint  and I bring you, yet another disappointing dating disaster... Lets be honest, I know what I'm doing has been an epic fail (and yes i know that phrase is played out but oh well). I've been attracting all the wrong types and the more I date the worse it gets, when inside, my soul is screaming..."STOP DATING FOR A WHILE". but noooooo, Sarah hates to give up control, she would rather learn the hard way through tears and disappointment. I even went to talk to a counselor at my church and his advice was to take a break from dating for six months so I can heal and be whole before I'm ready to meet the right one, so I did exactly that...NOT! As soon as I left the church I knew I wouldn't be able to keep that deal because the man I was seeing already had a hold on me. This man clearly was not going to be my husband but he provided comfort and I enjoyed that feeling of having someone even though inevitably I knew it would end.. and it did.. horribly! See, when you force a man to be something you want he will always rebel, so the problem isn't me, the problem is choosing the wrong men and fooling myself into thinking they will fall for me and all will be right in the world as we skip off into the sunset.
So the epiphany may of finally happened, MAYBE! As I was driving home from said mans house last night I realized that I am willfully hurting myself and there is something addicting about that pain that keeps me coming back for more. I cant remember the last decent guy I went out with that made me feel good about myself and there is a reason for that, I haven't felt good about myself in a very long time and therefore I attract men that affirm that feeling. I am no victim I am a masochist that throws herself into the fire and cries when she gets burned. Inside my head I know what I need to do but the flesh is weak and keeps me from growing and keeps me insecure and needy. Ive always cared so much about what these men think of me, so much so that its actually driven me and them crazy. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure of one thing... The more you explain to someone you're not crazy the crazier you appear, but in the end it doesn't matter what they think, it matters how you see yourself. I'm so stubborn and life keeps teaching me the same lesson over and over until, hopefully one day i get it. I sometimes feel like I have an addiction to attention. That is a very scary thing to admit but this is the one area in my life that continues to hold me back so i guess i should start to face the truth, right?
See, its not about the "love" you get from another person its about the silent satisfaction of accepting   what is, and letting go of the fear and control for what is not. I continue to fall into the same pattern because my heart is repeatedly broken and beat up.  I put my heart on a silver platter and lay it at a mans feet and expect them to respect and love me when I've shown them nothing but a girl who will accept anything she's given, like a hungry dog panting for a bone. I give 100% of my emotions and scare the piss out of anyone who gets close to me. Even if I met prince charming he wouldn't carry this baggage. you'd need to be on some heavy roids to carry this chip on my shoulder. Now I'm not saying its all my fault, I mean some guys are just plain wolves in sheep's clothing, but I've seen the light and I continue to walk in the dark.
So enough is enough..
Yes I've said this before but I will keep saying it until this is a reality for me. A man told me that I have this way of making people feel guilty, and he was right. I act like everything is ok and "I'm breezy", when the truth is I almost always want more and its not fair to me or them to pretend it's something else. As much as I hate to admit this, I've always had my identity wrapped up in the affections of a man and the hopes that love will save me from myself. Logically I know this is a false sense of security but emotionally I  just keep going back for the abuse. Ironically i spend a lot of time on my own and i really do like who i am but there is a part of me that just wont grow because I'm holding on to this damaging fairytale mindset.
This all sounds really depressing i know, but believe me its not because i have a new understanding of why I'm doing what i do and how i can change it. I know I'm in control of my actions, even if I'm not in control of other people's. I know I'm in control of my opinion of myself even if i cant control others opinions of  me. I know I'm in control of how much of myself i give to another person even if I'm not in control of what they give to me and most of all I'm in control of the ability to keep the hope and faith that I will be strong, I  will heal and i will have the love i deserve one day. We all are going though life with scars, some of us cover them with over confidence, some with sex and some with substances. My hope is that someone reading this finds that they are not alone in this journey and that whatever they are going through, there is always hope. I've cried so hard sometimes I've just felt like my heart was literally breaking. The sad thing is the guys I've dated recently have probably thought I was nuts over them because of how I reacted when it was over but the truth is this is repeated damage that gets worse and worse every time and until I stop allowing it to happen it will continue. There comes a time when enough is just enough. I keep ripping the bandage off before the wound is healed and its time for me to just stop, breath and take some time to remember who i am and what I want. Sometimes its OK not to be OK. Sometimes its OK not to be strong. Sometimes its OK to admit defeat, but then you pick yourself up, you look and the mirror and your stronger, your better and your more than OK.. you're GREAT.
xoxo
Sarah

My year in Dating. Warning: if you want to date me don't read this

Hi all my pretty gents and jewels! Its me, as you know I'm always very candid about my dating woes and every time i write you i hope that i will have a great story for you about love. Every time i meet a man i think, maybe this one wont be a big giant douche. Every time i meet a man i like i think, "Sarah, maybe you can finally relax and be happy for a few months even." I was running on the treadmill and i started to think about my past year of men and dating and WHEW, i cant believe how many there were. For the record I'm not talking about hook ups or sexual partners, I'm talking about men I've seen in hopes of an actual relationship.
So as you know i always keep it real because i believe our stories can help and inspire others or maybe just make them feel like someone else understands. So I'm going to recap with you the men in my past year. Since my last real relationship ended its been one disappointment after another. I think i should of just let myself be alone for a while but lets face it I'm a woman and i get lonely, not to mention this girl isn't getting any younger and id like to imagine a future without ice cream and cats. Look i know what everyone says. "You have to love yourself before anyone will love you." yea yea yea  I know all about loving myself, i think I'm freaking awesome but damn can this sista catch a break? Why is it some people just seem to find love and happiness and others have to go through war to find their mate. Maybe its because the general public tends to settle? I don't know, but I'm over it!
So I finally wave the white flag and admit that maybe its time to take a break from looking for "love" and maybe then love will find me.
Ok......so here goes, my year of men. Lets hope i can remember. And don't worry guys ill change the names in case one of you reads this.
Lets start with the one the helped my get over my ex. We will call him "Steve", Steve let me vent all I wanted, he basically let me be crazy until one day he couldn't take the crazy any more. See, Steve was a good Friend but we crossed the line and you never do that when you are in a fragile break up state. He now is a great friend but he had to put me in my place many times and pretty much let me know "He's Just not that into me."
Next there was.. lets call him Frank. Frank was someone i met on an online dating site (yes people Ive done that and i have no shame in  my game) Frank lived at home and had no job but he was hilarious and filled a void i needed at that time. We made out, nothing else and of course Frank had commitment issues and shaded out on me. AWESOME i even get rejected by losers.
Then there was a slew of Internet men. I'm gonna keep it short because this could go on for hours
"Mark" from New York. A pretentious hipster who was very complimentary and a great kisser but played head games with me for a month and like to critized everything about me for his own amusment.
"Matt" A sweetheart from Philly who also lived at home and had no job. This one was the only one who didn't reject me, I pretty much decided it wasn't going anywhere and ended it. He was a great cuddler but can a girl get a real date??
"Kyle" A very successful gentleman from new jersey. Took me out on proper dates, talked to me like a lady but just never followed up or made an effort to see me. This one at least had class. Kind of a square but at least he wasnt a jerk.

Ok and there is one more but ill save him for last because he was the one that really took the cake!

Then there was this guy Garrett. That's his real name and hes the biggest coward i ever met. We met in Brooklyn when i ended up at a bar he was managing and hit it off instantly. Talked everyday for over a month until we have a fabulous day in NYC. So this one was the nice guy right? WRONG. never heard from him again. I racked my brain trying to figure it out but had no conclusions.

Next there was "Alex" A bad boy from Atlantic city. Oh this one was hot and he knew it. The thing with bad boys is..they aren't boyfriend material. He loved to make plans with me and disappear for days. Sweet guy but he has classic hot guy syndrome. Doesn't have to try so he doesn't try.
WHEW my hands hurt!
Next...
Ok we are down to the final 3 of the past year (i think)
"Bob" bob was a real dossier. He had money and status and he saw me as his perfect prey. Totally manipulated me into being in a relationship with him, bought me this laptop I'm using as we speak(at least he was good for something) and promised me trips and a live of luxury and love.So i figured ok, i always go out with guys who [pay me no attention and reject me, why not give this one a try. As soon as i opened up and started to fall for him...BAM he was out. Mission blond girl accomplished. He did some damage to my brain but man I'm i thankful it didn't work out. can we say blessing in disguise

"Dan" A heavily tattooed smooth talker. See Dan was good and bad for me because he was used to crazy so boy did i let him have it but he liked to disappear to. whats with me and flakes?! Dan and i had some crazy chemistry but i think that's as far as it went. No proper dates from this one either and he ended up ignoring me after a slew of crazy girl text( refer to last post and  you'll see what i mean)
Now we are cool but i don't think anything was meant to come of that one

Last but not least "Jason"
oh Jason.. man this one had something.  A smile that just made me melt and that devilish yet boyish charm that i couldn't help but fall for. This one had real potential like no one I've ever met. This one i saw myself walking down the isle with and i can tell you I've never seen that with anyone even my ex boyfriends. When we were together it was like nothing existed. He was perfect with my daughter and just made me feel all around beautiful and special. Finlay i had found the one that wont leave, be shady or run away..WRONG! oh man did he do a number on me. Not one, not two but three times ended it for no reason. This one got the good Sarah, not the crazy insecure Sarah. He got me at my best. So why did he have to come into my life? To give me hope and then snatch it away before i couldn't really enjoy it. I should know by now that a guy like this would break my heart. That beautiful tortured soul of his just got to me. I thought i was done with my fixer uppers until i met him with his blue eyes...*sigh*
To make a long story even longer, he told me that he didn't have that "thing" aka attraction for me and being with me made him realize he missed another girl from his past. Take all my insecurities and fears of what a man will tell me and that's what he said and to make matters worse i was SO into him.

So that one really made me think about my part in all this. God is teaching me something and i need to listen. There is something in my attracting these type of men and each time one leaves me i instantly find another when I'm not even healed from the last heart ache.

I thought this last one took away my hope. I felt broken and cried on my floor for hours. I felt my heart was literally being beat up and this was just a cruel joke. The first time i meet someone who i see a real future with turns out to be a nut and reject me in the worst way.

But....
Guess what?
I still have hope because this one taught me that i need to be alone and heal from all the heart burn of the last year. This one showed me that i need to feel alone and be ok. This one taught me that it really isn't me sometimes. Dating is hard and hurtful sometimes but i have to keep dusting myself off and holding my head high because when that right man comes along i don't want him to get my broken bruised heart. I want him to have my healed hopeful heart, because, really we all deserve that.
Sorry for the length in this one and the poor grammar. I had tons to vent this time
Hope someone is healing from reading this and i hope no matter what you pick yourself up and move on, because that's all we can do
Now go ride a bike its beautiful outside!
XOXO
Sarah

call me crazy one more time!!!

So ever since i can remember liking boys, I've played the game wrong. People always tell me, "Let them chase you." or "Play hard to get." or my favorite "Guard your heart". So basically my whole dating life I've not been able to follow these rules and consequently get rejected every single time, even if I'm the one who loses intrest first. (How to get sarah to love you? Reject her!)
 Ok back the truck up right? I know i just kinda jumped into this subject without proper warning, but I've been so fired up today and I've had enough! I know for a fact that every single female has been called "crazy" once in her life. So what is crazy if the whole gender is deemed this word? We have these feelings inside us, feelings that cause us to react out of impulse or feelings that cause us to text things we know we will soon regret. So even if we play the game right and win the object of our affection, the crazy will ultimately rear its ugly head and all the chips we previously won will be lost.
I am an (almost) 32 year old single woman and i still cant seem to get it right. Even though i know logically what i should do, my impulses always get the best of me and i end up feeling rejected and defeated. Why does this affect me so much? Cant i just say, hes a loser and move on? (which most of them are by the way). We all carry this baggage and the more we date, the heavier the bags become. So we are all in the same boat right? Expect this boat is really small and the more bags we bring on, the more this boat sinks. My baggage is sinking every boat and i don't have a life preserver on deck.
So back to the crazy part.... I'm about to keep it real right now. are you ready? Ok so lets get right into this rejection thing. I'm about to unveil my embarrassing downward spiral of "crazy girl"

Follow these steps if you want to sabotage any existing or potential relationship

Step 1: Be awesome right away, your complete self. He will be attracted your uniqueness and want more of you

Step 2: After he is smitten with you make yourself available at all times and put forth all the effort.

Step 3: When he pulls away(which most guys do in the beginning) Go full force insecure. Men love jealousy. SIKE

Step 4: WARNING:THIS ONE IS THE KILLER When you start to feel him pulling away, let your biggest fears or rejection rule you, and text him nonstop until you can talk it out. When he doesn't respond(because youre deemed crazy at this point) just keep going until you make a complete ass of yourself and then apologize the next day and assure him you're not "crazy".

Step 5: Obsess about what happened and what you did wrong.
ADD BAG TO CART AND PROCEED TO CHECKOUT.

So you see, this is what i do. Logically i know how horrible this behavior is and how I'm only hurting myself, yet every time i sabotage and not only do i sabotage but i try to fix said sabotage by more sabotage and so the cycle continues again and again and again.

Ok, enough beating myself up..Its time to switch the blame. If any men out there read my raw and unstructured words i just ask you this one favor;If you start to loose interest in a woman for whatever reason, do her a favor and BE HONEST! No one likes rejection but you know what everyone hates??? Not being acknowledged. Don't be a coward, we can take it. Id much rather someone tell me strait up then just peace out without a word. It sucks. Maybe just maybe women are crazy because of the bags we carry of the men before us. So don't be another bag, be the truth that we all want to hear even if it hurts us.

I'll leave you with this. I know my flaws. I know my "crazy" but i also know the good i have and love i have yet to give to a deserving partner. I don't blame anyone but myself for my past mistakes but i hate that we live in a world with such little communication, A world where relationships are based off text messages and break ups are public on fb. So maybe I'm a little crazy and maybe i have unrealistic expectations but i like who i am, bags and all, so if my heart needs to break a million times, or i need to learn a million lessons before I'm ready for that lasting love, then bring it on! I welcome the challenge and i welcome the lessons. Ive been vulnerable,crazy,insecure,jealous and self sabotaging but one day, just maybe ill find the love that wont sink my boat, until then ill keep on writing about my crazy girl woes. Thanks for listening and helping me unload some of my bags
Until nextime
XOXO

Sarah