call me crazy one more time!!!

So ever since i can remember liking boys, I've played the game wrong. People always tell me, "Let them chase you." or "Play hard to get." or my favorite "Guard your heart". So basically my whole dating life I've not been able to follow these rules and consequently get rejected every single time, even if I'm the one who loses intrest first. (How to get sarah to love you? Reject her!)
 Ok back the truck up right? I know i just kinda jumped into this subject without proper warning, but I've been so fired up today and I've had enough! I know for a fact that every single female has been called "crazy" once in her life. So what is crazy if the whole gender is deemed this word? We have these feelings inside us, feelings that cause us to react out of impulse or feelings that cause us to text things we know we will soon regret. So even if we play the game right and win the object of our affection, the crazy will ultimately rear its ugly head and all the chips we previously won will be lost.
I am an (almost) 32 year old single woman and i still cant seem to get it right. Even though i know logically what i should do, my impulses always get the best of me and i end up feeling rejected and defeated. Why does this affect me so much? Cant i just say, hes a loser and move on? (which most of them are by the way). We all carry this baggage and the more we date, the heavier the bags become. So we are all in the same boat right? Expect this boat is really small and the more bags we bring on, the more this boat sinks. My baggage is sinking every boat and i don't have a life preserver on deck.
So back to the crazy part.... I'm about to keep it real right now. are you ready? Ok so lets get right into this rejection thing. I'm about to unveil my embarrassing downward spiral of "crazy girl"

Follow these steps if you want to sabotage any existing or potential relationship

Step 1: Be awesome right away, your complete self. He will be attracted your uniqueness and want more of you

Step 2: After he is smitten with you make yourself available at all times and put forth all the effort.

Step 3: When he pulls away(which most guys do in the beginning) Go full force insecure. Men love jealousy. SIKE

Step 4: WARNING:THIS ONE IS THE KILLER When you start to feel him pulling away, let your biggest fears or rejection rule you, and text him nonstop until you can talk it out. When he doesn't respond(because youre deemed crazy at this point) just keep going until you make a complete ass of yourself and then apologize the next day and assure him you're not "crazy".

Step 5: Obsess about what happened and what you did wrong.
ADD BAG TO CART AND PROCEED TO CHECKOUT.

So you see, this is what i do. Logically i know how horrible this behavior is and how I'm only hurting myself, yet every time i sabotage and not only do i sabotage but i try to fix said sabotage by more sabotage and so the cycle continues again and again and again.

Ok, enough beating myself up..Its time to switch the blame. If any men out there read my raw and unstructured words i just ask you this one favor;If you start to loose interest in a woman for whatever reason, do her a favor and BE HONEST! No one likes rejection but you know what everyone hates??? Not being acknowledged. Don't be a coward, we can take it. Id much rather someone tell me strait up then just peace out without a word. It sucks. Maybe just maybe women are crazy because of the bags we carry of the men before us. So don't be another bag, be the truth that we all want to hear even if it hurts us.

I'll leave you with this. I know my flaws. I know my "crazy" but i also know the good i have and love i have yet to give to a deserving partner. I don't blame anyone but myself for my past mistakes but i hate that we live in a world with such little communication, A world where relationships are based off text messages and break ups are public on fb. So maybe I'm a little crazy and maybe i have unrealistic expectations but i like who i am, bags and all, so if my heart needs to break a million times, or i need to learn a million lessons before I'm ready for that lasting love, then bring it on! I welcome the challenge and i welcome the lessons. Ive been vulnerable,crazy,insecure,jealous and self sabotaging but one day, just maybe ill find the love that wont sink my boat, until then ill keep on writing about my crazy girl woes. Thanks for listening and helping me unload some of my bags
Until nextime
XOXO

Sarah