The Motherside

As I lay here awake with my 5 month old daughter sleeping soundly in the crib next to me, I can't help but think about what being a mom really means. Sometimes I wonder what is a "good" parent? With so much judgment in the world around us, yet so much dysfunction in our own lives, how can we ever tell someone else what is "good"? The scary thing is, anyone(that can get pregnant) can have a child. There is no class you have to pass, or background check to conceive. You have to take a test to operate a vehicle, but not raise a child, (obviously adoption is the exception but you get my drift) kind of scary when you wrap your head around that. Anyway that's not my point. Like at all.. Today I was reflecting on how much my life has changed since becoming a mother of a second child. My older daughter is already eleven, and as I get ready for the teen drama that is about to unfold, I simultaneously embark on a whole new journey of firsts, with my little one, Violet. I'm going to be honest, really honest. Some days I literally mourn for my old life, and even as I type that I feel the guilt wash over me. See, when You're a mom, guilt is pretty much with you all day and all night. You want some freedom? Ohh, what you don't enjoy your kids? What's that, you miss going out? What kind of a mom are you? This is the internal dialogue that plays in my mind, on repeat. I don't want to be the kind of person that constantly looks back at my life and glamorizes what I use to have, because what I had then was far from perfect yet it's so easy to see the grass a whole lot greener when your standing on the motherside (see what I did there?) The bittersweet feeling of being a mother, yearning for the freedom that you had before the sleepless nights all while basking in the glory of baby laughs and maternal bliss. And let's not even talk about what happens to your body and how long it takes to get back to where you were! Seriously I could write a book on that! Constantly comparing yourself to other people, and feeling as though you'll never measure up. Looking at your beautiful baby and being so complete yet feeling so lonely and lost at the same time. And you know.. I use to think that the married women have it all together and that life must be so much easier for them, because they have a partner to share this journey with, but the truth is when you are a mother you always feel like you could be doing more. If anyone feels like I do, you know there is always an internal pressure to prove yourself. To Prove that you don't just stay home and do nothing all day. To prove that what you're doing is just as valuable as a corporate job. To prove that just because you might not talk to another adult all day doesn't mean that you're not interesting. To prove that you don't need a man, and that you're doing just fine alone. To prove that you don't feel bad about yourself or that you don't care what others think. To prove that being a single mom doesn't mean your damaged goods. Most importantly, to prove to yourself that you are doing the best you can and that everyday you wake up has purpose, because you are molding a human being. And as I struggle every day with this constant battle of guilt and pride, I am reminded of the incredible love produced from my "job" as a mother. The way my daughters look at me with pure,innocent, unconditional love. They don't care if my body is perfect or my make up is flawless. They don't care if I'm a waitress or movie star, they just care that I'm mom. Please remember most of us are doing the best we can. We don't need to be shamed or guilted or judged. We probably beat ourselves up more than you ever could. Let's be kind and supportive. And remember..as my dad Plato said "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." Oh and one more thing... Tell your mom you love her! Ps (Plato's not my dad) Happy Mother's Day! Xoxo Sarah

The Maze

Today I woke up and for the first time I wanted to write! It's been over a year since I've wanted to write (did you cry a little?) I don't know if its because it is snowing in April or because I'm going to be 35 this month(and I'm having sort of a pre-midlife crisis) Sike (yes I said SIKE) but for some reason I woke up inspired and ready to share! OK now that we got that nonsense out of the way...it's time to get to the nitty gritty. I've forgotten what it's like to express myself via words, and wow I could write a book on this year alone! I thought I had found what I was looking for. I thought I had found my future, my family, my missing piece. I Thought, finally!!! I FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT! WRONG!' I got it so wrong. I found a guy, we fell in love. He wined and dined me and made me feel like all those other guys just didn't "get me". I bet you're thinking I'm going to tell you I'm engaged and living happily ever after huh? Fast forward to present day. I'm sitting here in my apartment in new jersey. Listening to my 4 month old wake up in the other room. That's right, I have a baby now! Most of you who read this are on my social media so you already know this. Many people don't know the whole story, mainly because I haven't felt like it was necessary to even share, but today i woke up inspired and maybe just maybe there is someone who will read this and it will speak to them. I Think for the first time in my life I finally realize that I have been the one that needed to change. Its easy to blame others and say "why cant they just accept me for me?" but the reality is, if you don't become the person who is fulfilled completely alone, then you will never attract the person who you truly deserve, and not only that how can we demand to be with someone amazing if we, ourselves are a hot mess?! It's easy to find a relationship it's hard to find the right relationship. In this day an age anyone can find someone (heck tinder is like ordering takeout)but if your mind and heart aren't healthy, chances are your Union will fail in a true partnership and thrive in co-dependency. (and remember there are exceptions to every rule but like the movie, He's just not that into you told us, we are usually the exception not the rule.) Reality really slapped me in the face with this lesson. I wont get in to details of the other person because it's not fair for his privacy, but i will say this...We were two broken people looking to fix each other in all the wrong ways. We made all the wrong choices. We rushed into everything. We had a baby. We are broken up. Two broken people cannot mend each other. Now i want to tell you that my baby girl is literally my angel at the end of this past year of darkness, but the parts in the middle almost broke me completely. In life we pick a path. We choose the maze or we choose the strait line, but either way we choose. I know sometimes its not our fault but most of the time our lives are the direct result of our everyday choices. (except for the things we cannot control obvi) There are two ways i could of looked at this past year. I could of said "woe is me, why is my life in shambles?!" or I can say "I made these choices but Gods grace still allows a path for me" Today I choose to be grateful for grace. I don't want to get all preachy, but i have to tell you, Grace, in these circumstances has humbled me. I have been stubborn my whole life. Ive done things my way. I've chose the maze every single time. I light a match and then wonder why there is a flame. Physically, being pregnant humbles you. I've freely written about my body issues, well let me tell you.....if you want to force yourself to look for inner beauty , GET PREGANANT! This is a whole other rant but i can honestly said i loathed being pregnant and so does my body (the baby part is awesome though). I work super hard to stay in shape being pregnant sort of forces you to let go of some control because your body is literally making a human being. No matter how many times someone says give yourself a break, I go through this whole self loathing "I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I'll never be good enough" thing. i totally realized how much of my self Worth was wrapped up in my appreance. I envy those girls who love their bodies while cooking a bun, because my oven was not my friend but alas... All of this was a part of a lesson, a very hard lesson. The maze lesson i chose has lead me to a grand revelation. So i bet youre wondering what is the point of this whole speil? I know i tend to drift so stay with me. It took me until almost 35 years old to realize that most of my life is a direct reflection of how I thought about myself! I never believed I deserved more, so i never got more. I never thought i could be successful, so i never became successful. I'm in a place where I'm completely starting over. I have my two girls , i have my apartment and i have gods grace! I was forced to learn to live very simply and I had(have)no option but to trust and have faith that there is a light, not at the end of the maze but within the maze guiding me through every challenge and every hardship. There was a strong part of me that belived i had messed up my life beyond repair. I told myself it was over and this was it. I belived i was doomed to be alone forever because of the choices I've made. This morning i can honestly tell you that i woke up completely grateful for the things I have in for the things I have not. I no longer feel like a victim. I no longer feel like I'm punished for my past. The cool thing about life is,it literally gives you a chance to start new with every sunrise and every sunset. So if you are reading this and you think its over and you've messed up beyond repair, please hear these words. You may of chosen the maze of life but there is still a plan and there is still grace. Find the flashlight and keep it moving! (Oh and tell a pregnant women she's pretty) xoxo sarah

Today I woke up and for the first time I wanted to write! I know its been a while and I'm sorry for that, but I cannot write, sing or do anything creative without being inspired. I don't know if its because it is snowing in April or because I'm going to be 35 this month and I'm having sort of a pre-midlife crisis but something feels different...

OK now that we got that all out of the way...

Its been longer than a year since I've shared with you, and wow I could write a book on this year alone! I thought I had found what I was looking for. I thought I had found my future, my family, my missing piece. I Thought, finally!!! I FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT!

WRONG!'

I got it so wrong. I found a guy, we fell in love. He wined and dined me and made me feel like all those other guys just didn't "get me".

I bet you're thinking I'm going to tell you I'm engaged and living happily ever after huh?

Fast forward to present day. I'm sitting here in my apartment in new jersey. Listening to my 4 month old wake up in the other room. That's right I have a baby, most of you who read this are on my social media so you already know this. Most people don't know my story, because I haven't felt like it was nessicary to even share this, but today i woke up inspired and maybe just maybe there is someone who will read this and it will speak to them.

I Think for the first time in my life I finally realize that I have been the one that needed to change. Its easy to blame others and say "why cant they just accept me for me?" but the reality is, if you don't become the person who is fulfilled completely alone then you will never attract the person who is most healthy for you, sure you may have relationships but they will ushal end in heartbreak and thrive in co-dependency. Reality really slapped me in the face with this lesson. I wont get in to details because I don't want to put this persons business out there but i will say this...We were two broken people looking to fix each other in all the wrong ways. We made all the wrong choices. We rushed into everything. We had a baby. We are broken up. Two broken people cannot mend each other. Now i want to tell you that my baby girl is literally my angle in this year of darkness. In life we choice a path. We choose the maze or we choose the strait line but either way we choose. I know sometimes its not our fault but most of the time our lives are the direct result of our everyday choices. (except for the things we cannot control obvi)

There are two ways i could of looked at this past year. I could of said "woe is me why is my life in shambles" or I can say "I made these choices but gods grace still had a path for me"

Today I choose to be grateful for grace. I don't want to get all preachy but i have to tell you that Grace in these curcumstances really have humbled me. I have been so stubborn my whole life. Ive done things my way. I've chose the maze every single time. Physically, being pregnant humbles you. I've freely written about my body issues, well let me tell you.....if you want to force yourself to look for inner beauty , GET PREGANANT! This is a whole other rant but i can honestly said i loathe being pregnant and so does my body (the baby part is awesome though). I work super hard to stay in shape and that all goes out the window when I'm pregnant. Then i have to go through this whole self loathing "I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I'll never be good enough" thing. i totally realized how much of myself was wrapped up in my appreance. I envy those girls who love their bodies while cooking a bun, because my oven was not my friend! all of this was a big part of a lesson, a very hard lesson. The maze lesson i chose has lead me to a grand revelation. So i bet youre wondering what is the point of this whole speil? I know i tend to drift so stay with me. It took me until almost 35 years old to realize that my thinking is a direct result of my life! I never belived i deserved more, so i never got more. I never thought i could be successful so i never became successful. I'm in a place where I'm completely starting over. I have my two girls , i have my apartment and i have gods grace!

There was a strong part of me that belived i had messed up my life beyond repair. I told myself it was over and this was it. I belived i was doomed to be alone forever because of the choices ive made.

This morning i can honestly tell you that i woke up completely grateful. I no longer feel like a victim. I no longer feel like I'm punished. The cool thing ahout life is it literally gives you a chance to star new with every sunrise. So if youre reading this and you think its over and you've messed up beyond repair, please hear these words. You may of chosen the maze of life but there is still a plan and there is still grace.

thank you for listening!

xoxo

sarah