Today I woke up and for the first time I wanted to write! I know its been a while and I'm sorry for that, but I cannot write, sing or do anything creative without being inspired. I don't know if its because it is snowing in April or because I'm going to be 35 this month and I'm having sort of a pre-midlife crisis but something feels different...

OK now that we got that all out of the way...

Its been longer than a year since I've shared with you, and wow I could write a book on this year alone! I thought I had found what I was looking for. I thought I had found my future, my family, my missing piece. I Thought, finally!!! I FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT!

WRONG!'

I got it so wrong. I found a guy, we fell in love. He wined and dined me and made me feel like all those other guys just didn't "get me".

I bet you're thinking I'm going to tell you I'm engaged and living happily ever after huh?

Fast forward to present day. I'm sitting here in my apartment in new jersey. Listening to my 4 month old wake up in the other room. That's right I have a baby, most of you who read this are on my social media so you already know this. Most people don't know my story, because I haven't felt like it was nessicary to even share this, but today i woke up inspired and maybe just maybe there is someone who will read this and it will speak to them.

I Think for the first time in my life I finally realize that I have been the one that needed to change. Its easy to blame others and say "why cant they just accept me for me?" but the reality is, if you don't become the person who is fulfilled completely alone then you will never attract the person who is most healthy for you, sure you may have relationships but they will ushal end in heartbreak and thrive in co-dependency. Reality really slapped me in the face with this lesson. I wont get in to details because I don't want to put this persons business out there but i will say this...We were two broken people looking to fix each other in all the wrong ways. We made all the wrong choices. We rushed into everything. We had a baby. We are broken up. Two broken people cannot mend each other. Now i want to tell you that my baby girl is literally my angle in this year of darkness. In life we choice a path. We choose the maze or we choose the strait line but either way we choose. I know sometimes its not our fault but most of the time our lives are the direct result of our everyday choices. (except for the things we cannot control obvi)

There are two ways i could of looked at this past year. I could of said "woe is me why is my life in shambles" or I can say "I made these choices but gods grace still had a path for me"

Today I choose to be grateful for grace. I don't want to get all preachy but i have to tell you that Grace in these curcumstances really have humbled me. I have been so stubborn my whole life. Ive done things my way. I've chose the maze every single time. Physically, being pregnant humbles you. I've freely written about my body issues, well let me tell you.....if you want to force yourself to look for inner beauty , GET PREGANANT! This is a whole other rant but i can honestly said i loathe being pregnant and so does my body (the baby part is awesome though). I work super hard to stay in shape and that all goes out the window when I'm pregnant. Then i have to go through this whole self loathing "I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I'll never be good enough" thing. i totally realized how much of myself was wrapped up in my appreance. I envy those girls who love their bodies while cooking a bun, because my oven was not my friend! all of this was a big part of a lesson, a very hard lesson. The maze lesson i chose has lead me to a grand revelation. So i bet youre wondering what is the point of this whole speil? I know i tend to drift so stay with me. It took me until almost 35 years old to realize that my thinking is a direct result of my life! I never belived i deserved more, so i never got more. I never thought i could be successful so i never became successful. I'm in a place where I'm completely starting over. I have my two girls , i have my apartment and i have gods grace!

There was a strong part of me that belived i had messed up my life beyond repair. I told myself it was over and this was it. I belived i was doomed to be alone forever because of the choices ive made.

This morning i can honestly tell you that i woke up completely grateful. I no longer feel like a victim. I no longer feel like I'm punished. The cool thing ahout life is it literally gives you a chance to star new with every sunrise. So if youre reading this and you think its over and you've messed up beyond repair, please hear these words. You may of chosen the maze of life but there is still a plan and there is still grace.

thank you for listening!

xoxo

sarah