The Motherside

As I lay here awake with my 5 month old daughter sleeping soundly in the crib next to me, I can't help but think about what being a mom really means. Sometimes I wonder what is a "good" parent? With so much judgment in the world around us, yet so much dysfunction in our own lives, how can we ever tell someone else what is "good"? The scary thing is, anyone(that can get pregnant) can have a child. There is no class you have to pass, or background check to conceive. You have to take a test to operate a vehicle, but not raise a child, (obviously adoption is the exception but you get my drift) kind of scary when you wrap your head around that. Anyway that's not my point. Like at all.. Today I was reflecting on how much my life has changed since becoming a mother of a second child. My older daughter is already eleven, and as I get ready for the teen drama that is about to unfold, I simultaneously embark on a whole new journey of firsts, with my little one, Violet. I'm going to be honest, really honest. Some days I literally mourn for my old life, and even as I type that I feel the guilt wash over me. See, when You're a mom, guilt is pretty much with you all day and all night. You want some freedom? Ohh, what you don't enjoy your kids? What's that, you miss going out? What kind of a mom are you? This is the internal dialogue that plays in my mind, on repeat. I don't want to be the kind of person that constantly looks back at my life and glamorizes what I use to have, because what I had then was far from perfect yet it's so easy to see the grass a whole lot greener when your standing on the motherside (see what I did there?) The bittersweet feeling of being a mother, yearning for the freedom that you had before the sleepless nights all while basking in the glory of baby laughs and maternal bliss. And let's not even talk about what happens to your body and how long it takes to get back to where you were! Seriously I could write a book on that! Constantly comparing yourself to other people, and feeling as though you'll never measure up. Looking at your beautiful baby and being so complete yet feeling so lonely and lost at the same time. And you know.. I use to think that the married women have it all together and that life must be so much easier for them, because they have a partner to share this journey with, but the truth is when you are a mother you always feel like you could be doing more. If anyone feels like I do, you know there is always an internal pressure to prove yourself. To Prove that you don't just stay home and do nothing all day. To prove that what you're doing is just as valuable as a corporate job. To prove that just because you might not talk to another adult all day doesn't mean that you're not interesting. To prove that you don't need a man, and that you're doing just fine alone. To prove that you don't feel bad about yourself or that you don't care what others think. To prove that being a single mom doesn't mean your damaged goods. Most importantly, to prove to yourself that you are doing the best you can and that everyday you wake up has purpose, because you are molding a human being. And as I struggle every day with this constant battle of guilt and pride, I am reminded of the incredible love produced from my "job" as a mother. The way my daughters look at me with pure,innocent, unconditional love. They don't care if my body is perfect or my make up is flawless. They don't care if I'm a waitress or movie star, they just care that I'm mom. Please remember most of us are doing the best we can. We don't need to be shamed or guilted or judged. We probably beat ourselves up more than you ever could. Let's be kind and supportive. And remember..as my dad Plato said "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." Oh and one more thing... Tell your mom you love her! Ps (Plato's not my dad) Happy Mother's Day! Xoxo Sarah

The Maze

Today I woke up and for the first time I wanted to write! It's been over a year since I've wanted to write (did you cry a little?) I don't know if its because it is snowing in April or because I'm going to be 35 this month(and I'm having sort of a pre-midlife crisis) Sike (yes I said SIKE) but for some reason I woke up inspired and ready to share! OK now that we got that nonsense out of the way...it's time to get to the nitty gritty. I've forgotten what it's like to express myself via words, and wow I could write a book on this year alone! I thought I had found what I was looking for. I thought I had found my future, my family, my missing piece. I Thought, finally!!! I FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT! WRONG!' I got it so wrong. I found a guy, we fell in love. He wined and dined me and made me feel like all those other guys just didn't "get me". I bet you're thinking I'm going to tell you I'm engaged and living happily ever after huh? Fast forward to present day. I'm sitting here in my apartment in new jersey. Listening to my 4 month old wake up in the other room. That's right, I have a baby now! Most of you who read this are on my social media so you already know this. Many people don't know the whole story, mainly because I haven't felt like it was necessary to even share, but today i woke up inspired and maybe just maybe there is someone who will read this and it will speak to them. I Think for the first time in my life I finally realize that I have been the one that needed to change. Its easy to blame others and say "why cant they just accept me for me?" but the reality is, if you don't become the person who is fulfilled completely alone, then you will never attract the person who you truly deserve, and not only that how can we demand to be with someone amazing if we, ourselves are a hot mess?! It's easy to find a relationship it's hard to find the right relationship. In this day an age anyone can find someone (heck tinder is like ordering takeout)but if your mind and heart aren't healthy, chances are your Union will fail in a true partnership and thrive in co-dependency. (and remember there are exceptions to every rule but like the movie, He's just not that into you told us, we are usually the exception not the rule.) Reality really slapped me in the face with this lesson. I wont get in to details of the other person because it's not fair for his privacy, but i will say this...We were two broken people looking to fix each other in all the wrong ways. We made all the wrong choices. We rushed into everything. We had a baby. We are broken up. Two broken people cannot mend each other. Now i want to tell you that my baby girl is literally my angel at the end of this past year of darkness, but the parts in the middle almost broke me completely. In life we pick a path. We choose the maze or we choose the strait line, but either way we choose. I know sometimes its not our fault but most of the time our lives are the direct result of our everyday choices. (except for the things we cannot control obvi) There are two ways i could of looked at this past year. I could of said "woe is me, why is my life in shambles?!" or I can say "I made these choices but Gods grace still allows a path for me" Today I choose to be grateful for grace. I don't want to get all preachy, but i have to tell you, Grace, in these circumstances has humbled me. I have been stubborn my whole life. Ive done things my way. I've chose the maze every single time. I light a match and then wonder why there is a flame. Physically, being pregnant humbles you. I've freely written about my body issues, well let me tell you.....if you want to force yourself to look for inner beauty , GET PREGANANT! This is a whole other rant but i can honestly said i loathed being pregnant and so does my body (the baby part is awesome though). I work super hard to stay in shape being pregnant sort of forces you to let go of some control because your body is literally making a human being. No matter how many times someone says give yourself a break, I go through this whole self loathing "I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I'll never be good enough" thing. i totally realized how much of my self Worth was wrapped up in my appreance. I envy those girls who love their bodies while cooking a bun, because my oven was not my friend but alas... All of this was a part of a lesson, a very hard lesson. The maze lesson i chose has lead me to a grand revelation. So i bet youre wondering what is the point of this whole speil? I know i tend to drift so stay with me. It took me until almost 35 years old to realize that most of my life is a direct reflection of how I thought about myself! I never believed I deserved more, so i never got more. I never thought i could be successful, so i never became successful. I'm in a place where I'm completely starting over. I have my two girls , i have my apartment and i have gods grace! I was forced to learn to live very simply and I had(have)no option but to trust and have faith that there is a light, not at the end of the maze but within the maze guiding me through every challenge and every hardship. There was a strong part of me that belived i had messed up my life beyond repair. I told myself it was over and this was it. I belived i was doomed to be alone forever because of the choices I've made. This morning i can honestly tell you that i woke up completely grateful for the things I have in for the things I have not. I no longer feel like a victim. I no longer feel like I'm punished for my past. The cool thing about life is,it literally gives you a chance to start new with every sunrise and every sunset. So if you are reading this and you think its over and you've messed up beyond repair, please hear these words. You may of chosen the maze of life but there is still a plan and there is still grace. Find the flashlight and keep it moving! (Oh and tell a pregnant women she's pretty) xoxo sarah

Today I woke up and for the first time I wanted to write! I know its been a while and I'm sorry for that, but I cannot write, sing or do anything creative without being inspired. I don't know if its because it is snowing in April or because I'm going to be 35 this month and I'm having sort of a pre-midlife crisis but something feels different...

OK now that we got that all out of the way...

Its been longer than a year since I've shared with you, and wow I could write a book on this year alone! I thought I had found what I was looking for. I thought I had found my future, my family, my missing piece. I Thought, finally!!! I FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT!

WRONG!'

I got it so wrong. I found a guy, we fell in love. He wined and dined me and made me feel like all those other guys just didn't "get me".

I bet you're thinking I'm going to tell you I'm engaged and living happily ever after huh?

Fast forward to present day. I'm sitting here in my apartment in new jersey. Listening to my 4 month old wake up in the other room. That's right I have a baby, most of you who read this are on my social media so you already know this. Most people don't know my story, because I haven't felt like it was nessicary to even share this, but today i woke up inspired and maybe just maybe there is someone who will read this and it will speak to them.

I Think for the first time in my life I finally realize that I have been the one that needed to change. Its easy to blame others and say "why cant they just accept me for me?" but the reality is, if you don't become the person who is fulfilled completely alone then you will never attract the person who is most healthy for you, sure you may have relationships but they will ushal end in heartbreak and thrive in co-dependency. Reality really slapped me in the face with this lesson. I wont get in to details because I don't want to put this persons business out there but i will say this...We were two broken people looking to fix each other in all the wrong ways. We made all the wrong choices. We rushed into everything. We had a baby. We are broken up. Two broken people cannot mend each other. Now i want to tell you that my baby girl is literally my angle in this year of darkness. In life we choice a path. We choose the maze or we choose the strait line but either way we choose. I know sometimes its not our fault but most of the time our lives are the direct result of our everyday choices. (except for the things we cannot control obvi)

There are two ways i could of looked at this past year. I could of said "woe is me why is my life in shambles" or I can say "I made these choices but gods grace still had a path for me"

Today I choose to be grateful for grace. I don't want to get all preachy but i have to tell you that Grace in these curcumstances really have humbled me. I have been so stubborn my whole life. Ive done things my way. I've chose the maze every single time. Physically, being pregnant humbles you. I've freely written about my body issues, well let me tell you.....if you want to force yourself to look for inner beauty , GET PREGANANT! This is a whole other rant but i can honestly said i loathe being pregnant and so does my body (the baby part is awesome though). I work super hard to stay in shape and that all goes out the window when I'm pregnant. Then i have to go through this whole self loathing "I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I'll never be good enough" thing. i totally realized how much of myself was wrapped up in my appreance. I envy those girls who love their bodies while cooking a bun, because my oven was not my friend! all of this was a big part of a lesson, a very hard lesson. The maze lesson i chose has lead me to a grand revelation. So i bet youre wondering what is the point of this whole speil? I know i tend to drift so stay with me. It took me until almost 35 years old to realize that my thinking is a direct result of my life! I never belived i deserved more, so i never got more. I never thought i could be successful so i never became successful. I'm in a place where I'm completely starting over. I have my two girls , i have my apartment and i have gods grace!

There was a strong part of me that belived i had messed up my life beyond repair. I told myself it was over and this was it. I belived i was doomed to be alone forever because of the choices ive made.

This morning i can honestly tell you that i woke up completely grateful. I no longer feel like a victim. I no longer feel like I'm punished. The cool thing ahout life is it literally gives you a chance to star new with every sunrise. So if youre reading this and you think its over and you've messed up beyond repair, please hear these words. You may of chosen the maze of life but there is still a plan and there is still grace.

thank you for listening!

xoxo

sarah

Table for one please: An anti anti Valentines day rant

So first of all i would like to say HELLO! I know my posts have been sporadic but i promise to try to be more on the ball with my rants, dating dramas, life changes and maybe even some funny stories... I'm pretty sure I'm ADD but who really cares? who isn't ADD these days, with all the instant gratification, social media and other various electronic distractions, how could anyone focus on one thing at a time?!

OK, FOCUS SARAH .... 

Since i haven't written to you in a while i feel like the first part of this rant will be a little bit of catch, So here goes.. 

Still a waitress. Still a singer. Still Very very very single. Still dating all the wrong boys.. commitment phoebes, players, flakes, wolves in sheeps clothing, and this last guy.. well that's a post in itself but i don't think i can even go there right now... So now that we've caught up.. lets talk about the day.. 

VALENTINES DAY..*dun dun dun*

 the dreaded day for singles everywhere. February 14th aka the day you act like you hate love, couples, romance and all things flowers and chocolate. Mind you, I work at the quintessential first date place already so valentines day there is couple mania times a billion( luckily this year my band has a show so I'm off) I know its just a day.  One day, 24hours of in your face love. One day of concentrated romance and co-workers getting flowers while you sit there pretending to be happy. One day of seeing every dude in CVS last minute trying to find a card for his mate. One day of every restaurant packed with girls in red and hand holding. One day of feeling like a Jew on Christmas. Here's the thing.. regardless of all the horrible luck I've had with dating the past few years and the almost lovers i seem to continually be disappointed by, I still have this hopeless romantic inside of me who believes that her time will come. *sigh*

 Every Valentines day i hear people talk about how much they hate the day..(ironically most of them are in relationships) I get that its a man made hallmark holiday and holidays have a marketing agenda to gain monetary revenue from smucks and suckers aka the general public, but i cant help but think that valentines day is kind of amazing when you really think about it. Hear me out...

 I do believe that if you love someone, you should show your love often, and gifts and gestures shouldn't be reserved  for a certain day. I do think that the commercialization's of valentines day tends to be obnoxious. Valentines day;marketing manipulation at its finest. That being said the concept of celebrating love is pretty awesome. I don't think its a horrible thing to take a day and make it an obnoxious 24 hours dedicated to all things love. Red roses,chocolates, and cheesy cliche  cards with awkward romantic gestures from the men  who  love you enough to make a fool of themselves. I am not saying that one day should define a relationship but can we stop being so anti and embrace the cheese of the day?! I'm not in love but one day i hope to be and i hope the man i love sends me flowers to work on valentines day( yes i said it and i don't regret it) it's  ok to be cliché sometimes.  We get it single people you hate this day but come on, secretly you want the mushy love crap too, so stop frontin we all know you cried at the notebook. I don't ever want to turn into that bitter girl that hates on people in love, because honestly love is one of the best gifts in life. We all want to be loved and wanted by someone. I don't think that valentines day is an essential part of a healthy and happy relationship, but i do believe its ok to embrace the day and celebrate without shame. Stop being a rebel and just love the idea of love, whether its one day or everyday, the more you embrace it the faster it will come into your life. I know this is like super corny, and trust me of all people To be hateful of the V Day, it should be me. My dating life is like a episode of punked on repeat, yet somehow I still have this idealistic hope that one day.. Well ya know.. One day

*sigh again*

Every year I always hear how much people hate valentines day,  but maybe this year we could learn to love it a little and see what happens. I challenge you to celebrate valentines day, single or not. Make it an awesome day filled with love and chocolate and rom coms that you're embarrassed to admit you love. So what if you are single, buy your friend flowers, or even yourself for that matter.  Who cares what people think, be ridiculous and love it!  Eat stupid 

heart shaped foods, Hug strangers, Heck, maybe even ask someone out on a date! Love is amazing feeling and it should be embraced and celebrated. One day ill experience it for myself but this year i choose to be happy for those that have it now. So happy valentines day everyone!  I hope you don't wanna punch me in the face after reading this..😘😉

Till next time

I LOVE YOU!
  XOXO Sarah

Dreams lost? wake up and redefine!

Hi! Omg it's been so long since I last ranted to you about my life/lovelife!! As most of you know this blog started as a health and fitness blog but quickly turned into a compulsively honest diary about my lack of luck in the love department. Sadly.. True love still hasn't found me, yet I remain the hopeless romanic who never ceases to loose the "ya never know" attitude. My dating experience? Still short lived and sadly, they always ends the same.. Disappointing. Bitter? Nah this girl watched to many movies to give up hope just yet!

"Well let me bring it back to the subject"(a little salt and peppa reference for my 90s peeps)
The reason why I haven't written in a while is because my laptop(first and only laptop I've ever had) was stolen out of my car, oh and that job I had in my last post, yea that's gone too. (Laid off not fired)  So here I am back to waitressing full time. It's ironic.. Everytime I force myself into a  "career" I'm not really into, something seems to take it away.  Is it that it's not meant to be or  I'm just not fit for the 9-5 world? The jury is still out...
The other day I had a horrible thought, I realized All the plans I've had for my life just aren't falling into place. Then  i thought, that's it...I'm a waitress, all I am is a waitress. Obviously I'm a singer and a mom but I literally in that moment had no desire to climb the corporate or any other ladder for that matter. (Semi rhyme?)
I digress ..For years I've been thinking of a back up plan. Go back to school? Find another unreliable desk job I hate? All of these things seems to fall at my feet with every other pipe dream in my brain and at the end of the day, I am just lost at 32. The world around me is full of wives, college students,  professionals I serve sushi to, people with a purpose, people who have a plan, people I sometimes envy. I feel like I'm just living my life day to day, with each minute loosing the idealism I once had, loosing the momentum to be anything more than what I am at this very moment.
Now this all sounds depressing but I assure you it's not. Maybe I'm just redefining what "purpose" is. Maybe waitressing until I find something that speaks to me is my path. Maybe being lost is part of the find.
I'm in a band, I'm working on a solo album. I pay my bills and I laugh daily. No, it's not the dream I once had but it is my reality. Its an odd feeling when you come to the realization that you're not the girl in high school planning her future anymore and that in this very moment, like it or not, is your life.
 A single mom.
A waitress.
A singer.
A loner.
Unlucky in love an still getting it wrong.
Falling down over and over and still getting back up
Making a fool of myself and still laughing
Watching others thrive
Watching others get married
Watching children who have an involved father
Watching people travel
Watching people write without spelling and or grammar errors ;)

Feeling alone
Feeling lost
Feeling scared
Feeling alive.
All of this is life. Good, bad, raw and beautiful.
See the thing is.. Maybe I'll never get it right, maybe I'll never find what I think I should have, but what I have is beautiful and real and it's mine.
I look in the eyes of my daughter and I know that I'm doing something right and the only thing I need to change is the perception of my life's dream.
Ok that was deep... And a little long winded. That's me, I never shut up!
So anyway I'm sure you're all wondering about my love life..
Well
It's uh.. Non existent but I'll be damned if I give up!
One day I won't be too much for someone, one day that love will find but until then I'm just gonna keep messing up and finding the beauty In the mess.
I hope this inspires someone!
Xoxo
Sarah
 

but...but.. I DONT WANNA GROW UP!!!

Ok, so first of all, HI! how is everyone? did you miss me? Any who lets get to it,because i don't have much time today. Now, i could go on and on about boys again but lets face it, you all know the deal. Hopeless romantic who puts her heart out there to all the wrong men and gets hurt,dissed, or just played for a fool. Is it bad that i feel OK or maybe even a little numb to it these days. Of course i want to meet my prince charming but I've been working so much that i haven't even let it get to me that much anymore....Which leads me to the real reason for today's post....
Ever since i was a little girl I just knew i was gonna be something. There was not one doubt that i would be famous, so i lived my life with no back up plan. I moved to NYC when i was 19 and i just knew that fame was in my fate. I remember sitting in the McDonalds(I know what you are thinking but it was a big McDonalds and I could sit there for free) in times square at the age of 22 and thinking i have eight more years to make it big. I was so terrified that those eight years would come and that i wouldnt have "made it". Well, here i am ten years later and i am not famous. I have had some little bits of attention here and there, even a record deal(that never came to fruition) but never got that big break.....and then one day............
I GOT PREGNANT! ooops! i was 23, living in Brooklyn, working at Madam Tussauds wax museum,three months behind in my rent and living off dollar pizza. Yup, living the dream. I'll never forget the day I packed up all my stuff and moved in with my brother in Delaware, that was on of the most depressing days of my life.
I felt like the dreams i had for myself were gone and that i would now live a mundane life of grey and all the color was gone from my future.
I felt like my freedom was taken and now i would just be another stereotypical single mom.
So I had to alter my dream, except I didn't alter, I settled. I pretty much felt like it was over for me but i didnt want any type of career so I just kept getting lame receptionist, bar tenting or waitressing jobs. I never really had any future plans for who I was going to be. I fell right into the damsel in distress role and i was not a pretty princess, i was a pathetic victim always placing the blame on someone else. I lived my life like this for years. Yes i loved(love) my little girl and loved being a mom but deep down i just felt like something was missing and that maybe fame could still happen for me. I was living my life in limbo, just waiting for something or someone to come along and make it all better.... but...... they didn't come and no one knocked on my door and the only people who did come along were toxic and unhealthy.
There has always been this fear in me that if I am good at something else and I become a responsible adult then I will loose the creative carefree spirit that had been my identity for so long. I honestly didn't know another way to be. Sarah was always broke financially and broken in relationships. Sarah was always forgetful and made stupid mistakes at her jobs, always the bubbly silly blond that no one ever took to seriously and I'm not gonna lie I played that role to like a Hollywood actress. No one expected much from me so I gave the bear minimum.
Its only in the past few months that Ive realized my identity does not have to be that girl anymore. I can be fun and silly and carefree but also responsible, reliable and good at something other than entertainment. Yes, there will always be a part of me that still believes it could happen and I'm always going to be a hopeless romantic, a bad speller, a little disorganized and scatter brained at times, but i do not have to accept the woe is me mentality anymore. I can be good at my day job and still be creative and uniquie.
When your identity is tied to "being a mess" It is very hard to break the cycle and realize you can be more than what you were or are. Ive experienced some harsh growing pains over the past few months, the fear of accepting the new altered role of who i am becoming makes me uncomfortable and honestly It scares the crap out of me. I don't know what will happen from this point on but i do know I am tired of living in the fear of success and haven't the "lottery mentality". 
I want to have a fruitful life for me and my daughter. I want to push my limits and start to be something Ive always fear... AN ADULT!
So for once, its not about a boy.. its about me. Its about taking responsibility and becoming my own person. Its about redefining my identity. I don't have to be a victim any more. I don't have to be Sarah, the girl who always is broke or loses her job or has some heartbreak. I can be more and i can be better without losing myself. I don't know where this road will take me but I am excited for the future!
So maybe you should redefine who you are too. Its ok to let go of things that have held you down and even if you fight it and it hurts, embrace the change because in the end the caterpillar who lets itself die to his its

ways becomes a beautiful butterfly! (corny i know,but true)
Hope everyone is inspired and grateful today!
XOXO
Sarah

Just Stop

HELLLLOOOOOOO MY LOVES!
Did you miss me?? I know  you did! Well as usual I wont disappoint  and I bring you, yet another disappointing dating disaster... Lets be honest, I know what I'm doing has been an epic fail (and yes i know that phrase is played out but oh well). I've been attracting all the wrong types and the more I date the worse it gets, when inside, my soul is screaming..."STOP DATING FOR A WHILE". but noooooo, Sarah hates to give up control, she would rather learn the hard way through tears and disappointment. I even went to talk to a counselor at my church and his advice was to take a break from dating for six months so I can heal and be whole before I'm ready to meet the right one, so I did exactly that...NOT! As soon as I left the church I knew I wouldn't be able to keep that deal because the man I was seeing already had a hold on me. This man clearly was not going to be my husband but he provided comfort and I enjoyed that feeling of having someone even though inevitably I knew it would end.. and it did.. horribly! See, when you force a man to be something you want he will always rebel, so the problem isn't me, the problem is choosing the wrong men and fooling myself into thinking they will fall for me and all will be right in the world as we skip off into the sunset.
So the epiphany may of finally happened, MAYBE! As I was driving home from said mans house last night I realized that I am willfully hurting myself and there is something addicting about that pain that keeps me coming back for more. I cant remember the last decent guy I went out with that made me feel good about myself and there is a reason for that, I haven't felt good about myself in a very long time and therefore I attract men that affirm that feeling. I am no victim I am a masochist that throws herself into the fire and cries when she gets burned. Inside my head I know what I need to do but the flesh is weak and keeps me from growing and keeps me insecure and needy. Ive always cared so much about what these men think of me, so much so that its actually driven me and them crazy. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure of one thing... The more you explain to someone you're not crazy the crazier you appear, but in the end it doesn't matter what they think, it matters how you see yourself. I'm so stubborn and life keeps teaching me the same lesson over and over until, hopefully one day i get it. I sometimes feel like I have an addiction to attention. That is a very scary thing to admit but this is the one area in my life that continues to hold me back so i guess i should start to face the truth, right?
See, its not about the "love" you get from another person its about the silent satisfaction of accepting   what is, and letting go of the fear and control for what is not. I continue to fall into the same pattern because my heart is repeatedly broken and beat up.  I put my heart on a silver platter and lay it at a mans feet and expect them to respect and love me when I've shown them nothing but a girl who will accept anything she's given, like a hungry dog panting for a bone. I give 100% of my emotions and scare the piss out of anyone who gets close to me. Even if I met prince charming he wouldn't carry this baggage. you'd need to be on some heavy roids to carry this chip on my shoulder. Now I'm not saying its all my fault, I mean some guys are just plain wolves in sheep's clothing, but I've seen the light and I continue to walk in the dark.
So enough is enough..
Yes I've said this before but I will keep saying it until this is a reality for me. A man told me that I have this way of making people feel guilty, and he was right. I act like everything is ok and "I'm breezy", when the truth is I almost always want more and its not fair to me or them to pretend it's something else. As much as I hate to admit this, I've always had my identity wrapped up in the affections of a man and the hopes that love will save me from myself. Logically I know this is a false sense of security but emotionally I  just keep going back for the abuse. Ironically i spend a lot of time on my own and i really do like who i am but there is a part of me that just wont grow because I'm holding on to this damaging fairytale mindset.
This all sounds really depressing i know, but believe me its not because i have a new understanding of why I'm doing what i do and how i can change it. I know I'm in control of my actions, even if I'm not in control of other people's. I know I'm in control of my opinion of myself even if i cant control others opinions of  me. I know I'm in control of how much of myself i give to another person even if I'm not in control of what they give to me and most of all I'm in control of the ability to keep the hope and faith that I will be strong, I  will heal and i will have the love i deserve one day. We all are going though life with scars, some of us cover them with over confidence, some with sex and some with substances. My hope is that someone reading this finds that they are not alone in this journey and that whatever they are going through, there is always hope. I've cried so hard sometimes I've just felt like my heart was literally breaking. The sad thing is the guys I've dated recently have probably thought I was nuts over them because of how I reacted when it was over but the truth is this is repeated damage that gets worse and worse every time and until I stop allowing it to happen it will continue. There comes a time when enough is just enough. I keep ripping the bandage off before the wound is healed and its time for me to just stop, breath and take some time to remember who i am and what I want. Sometimes its OK not to be OK. Sometimes its OK not to be strong. Sometimes its OK to admit defeat, but then you pick yourself up, you look and the mirror and your stronger, your better and your more than OK.. you're GREAT.
xoxo
Sarah