Every cloud has a silver thunderstorm.

Well here is it... My heart out there for everyone to read. I’ve always been candid about my life. I feel like our experiences, painful as they can be, inspire others. It’s not what happens to us that matters, its how we deal with it. We all have our burdens to bear. We all have our inner battles we face daily, even if some of us hide it better than others. As the New Year is upon us many will reflect on this past year, some with regret, some with joy and some with hope for the upcoming year. I feel a little of everything. My life has been like a bad county song. Lost three cars, a job, apartment and a boy friend all in ten months. But this rant isn’t about any of that. Its about one thing we all can relate to; Rejection. We all have been rejected at one point. We all have felt heart break. Most of us know what its like to loose something.

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of my prince. I didn’t have many boyfriends when I was younger but I did have a vivid imagination. I always was in love with the notion of love. I used to watch movies and listen to songs and believe with all my heart that it was all real. That one day I would meet a man who would make me feel like a princess. That soul mates really did exist and that love was the strongest feeling on earth. Sparks, fireworks, butterflies; the whole shabang. I think because I had limited dating experience when I was younger I romanticized everything and basically set myself up for failure. Every single guy I've ever dated has either been emotionally unavailable, messed up, or broken up with me. I’m always heart broken in the end and I always feel like it was my fault. Like, if I just did something different they would have stayed. Fortunately I’m learning my pattern and trying to fix it. I was always choosing guys that were fixer uppers so that I would feel like I was the best they could get, knowing in my heart it wasn’t right, yet trying to force it to work out of sheer stubborn will. It wasn’t till a couple years ago that I started dating up. I only went out with people that I saw a potential future with. See here is some truth about me; I pretend not to be a hopeless romantic but I so am. I keep getting my heart broken but every time I meet some one new I think maybe this is my time. Maybe this is the guy. I’ve only really been in love twice. The first time was when I was 28 and the second was just recently. Before those guys I always knew that even though I may have loved them, it wasn’t a real true love because it wasn’t reciprocated. I have this problem... I give away my heart way to fast. I put my whole self into a relationship and when it’s over I feel like I’ve lost my identity. I pride myself on being an individual but I now realize that I worry too much about the other person and neglect myself. What was once attractive about me fades away with my self confidence.

A man loves a woman who loves herself.  A confident self sufficient individual who keeps her own interest. A woman who is secure in who she is, apart from the title of "girlfriend". Obviously men like to be needed but not to be clung to. This balance is something I am still trying to find in my life. I know I am not the cause of all of my break ups but I can try to improve my weaknesses in order to protect my own heart. All we can do with heartbreak is take the lessons leaned, and hope the next time works out. It’s not fair to our future mate to bring our old baggage into the new relationship. It’s not fair to our own heart to keep it broken and potentially miss out on something amazing.

I’m no victim; I am not the only one in the world with pain. I also know that I have amazing things to offer not just to a man but to the world. My mom always told me it’s better to be loved by the right one that liked by a lot. I will never loose hope. I will never be too broken to love again. It’s ok to cry, to feel sad, and to mourn for a lost love. It’s not ok to let that damage you to the point of brokenness.

For this New Year, I want to focus on my music my daughter and being ok alone. Restoring my heart and my mind. Remembering what’s good in the world. Believing in all the magnificent things ahead and learning from each and every experience. It’s never proactive to hold on to bitterness. Hate only breeds negative reactions from the world around you but forgiveness and a positive attitude can go a long way.(and some good friends to support you) When the storm is over and the clouds subside there is a beautiful rainbow, but we would never see it unless we endured the storm. To be honest, I don’t even believe every word I write but dammit ill keep writing them until I do.

Keep smiling

And take a yoga class while you’re at it

XOXO

Sarah

“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already 3-parts dead.”
-Bertrand Russel

Bucket Barbie

Well it’s that time of year…Reflection Time! Another year is ending and a new one beginning. It’s funny how time seems to go so slow when we are at work or doing something mundane, but then we blink, and another year is over! What did we do? What did we change? What significance did we make on the world? As I reflect on the past year I feel like life was one big whirlwind. Last year I just started a job at a car dealership, I was going through a quasi breakup and I was ok...or so I thought. I am not going to spend too much time talking about the past. I don’t know if you know this about me yet. But I kind of over think EVERYTHING! I constantly think of why things happened of what could I of done to change there outcomes, but this year I am going to work on living in the moment.

So I present to you my Bucket List for 2012

1. Open a savings account
2. Join an acting class
3. Make the music I love
4. Start a Disney fund
5. Discover Self confidence again
6. Stop Complaining(as much)
7. Get a Passport
8. Laugh more
9. Make more coffee date with friends
10. Buy a couch
11. Save for a new car
12. Take a weekend trip somewhere in the US
13. Enroll in personal training/nutrition school
14. Make more time for family
15. Help someone else
16. Dance more
17. Go to church more
18. Enjoy the process
19. Live in the moment!

Well that’s for now.

I’m sure I will add on soon!

I’ve managed to not gain weight during the holidays and stay healthy (minus some cookies and such)

I truly believe this is a new start for me and my daughter. I’ve been knocked down several times. Had my heart broken a couple times and been disappointed more than once but you know what, I’m stronger for all of it. So I hope everyone that reads my rants takes a little inspiration from my words. The world is hard but it’s harder alone. So let’s really try to be there for each other this year! Let the negativity fall away, and like I always say make the choice to be better! I look forward to hearing all of your goals too!

And remember those cookies are for SANTA!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

XOXO

Sarah

A Lone errr?

Afternoon friends!

 Hope your having a healthy and fulfilling week so far. I hope your enjoying all the holiday festivities without overdoing it! I hope you’re making good choices with your health as well as in your personal life. I hope that you’re finding happiness in the small things as well as the Grande ones. I hope your living your life and not just "existing" and most of all, I hope your ok with you. Which leads me to the topic of this Fat Barbie rant.....Alone; this can be an extremely fearful word that instantly makes us feel sad and anxious. Most of our lives are filled with people and things without much “me time”. We run around everyday, from work to the gym (hopefully) and not to mention all the social events, it’s a non stop cycle. Usually we are comforted by people; The ones we love, the ones who make us feel like its going to be ok and even the acquaintances we see on a daily basis like the store clerk of the dunkin donuts cashier (my bff), you get my point. I believe us, as humans love to be around people. I have always considered myself to be somewhat of a loner but I still crave that human interaction. We need people to vent and relate to. Hopefully the people in our lives lift us up but even the ones that drag us down still have a place in our world. So are we really ok, alone? Is there much time in the day that we spend with ourselves? That means no facebook, cell phone, TV etc. How much do we really like who we are? If we are in a relationship, do we put all of our identity and self worth into the other persons love for us? Look, I am going to be real with you. I consider myself to be a strong confident girl. I like who I am, I get along with most people, and I wouldn’t be anyone else in the world but me; that being said, I also kind of suck at relationships. I mean, I am a good girlfriend but I loose myself in the other person. I start off like a tiger but then the slow decline begins and I turn into a harmless kitten (I picked that animal because it’s cute). Little by little I become what I think they want instead of just being who I am. Insecurity and fear seem to take over as well as my fear of losing control, and the “what if’s” seem to sabotage the “what is”. I know we all have our issues but Id like to think we can beat our baggage.

 I’ve come to realize, maybe I am not really ok with me. I say I am, I play the part but when it comes down to it, I put most of my stock in what others think of me. God, I hate admitting that out loud but, acceptance is the first step to change, right? I think we can always be better, stronger, happier, healthy and most of all   more confident in; who we are, what we are and where we are in life. Confidence shouldn’t be about how much money you make or how much stuff you have, it should be the feeling of contentment in oneself. The feeling of “I am ok even if it’s not ok”. Being truly alone with yourself and liking who you are without constant affirmation from others;I am striving for this peace. If my world crashes down around me (which it kind of did) and if there is no one left beside me I am still ok because everyday I make a choice to be better than yesterday

 I am not the best writer and I wish I could express things a little more poetic but all I can say is this... Be ok with you. Be ok with failed relationships, jobs, friends, dreams. Be ok with not being a super model or millionaire. Be ok with your imperfections. Be ok that you’re not always going to feel good. Sometimes you will be lonely and scared. Sometimes you will feel like no one understands. Sometimes you will just want to give up, but don’t because trust me you are wonderful alone. Love every part of you and vow to be better every day. It’s all cheesy but true. We only settle in life when we allow others to control how we feel about ourselves. So make the change today, be strong and keep on moving on!

Happy Thursday... Limit those Christmas cookies!!!!

"I restore myself when I'm alone."

Marilyn Monroe

XOXO 

 Sarah

Fat Barbie: 14th Chance

Fat Barbie: 14th Chance: Hello Loves. I must once again apologize for my sporadic Fat Barbie posts. I haven’t been able to devote as much time to it because of all t...

14th Chance

Hello Loves.

I must once again apologize for my sporadic Fat Barbie posts. I haven’t been able to devote as much time to it because of all the rapid changes in my life.

But now... I am settled in my new place and it is starting to feel like home. I absolutely love where I live. I love that I can walk to almost anything I want; coffee, yoga, parks! It’s amazing! I love my building and I love coming home at night. I wouldn’t have imagined I would be living somewhere I adored; it’s always been places I could “get” until now!  Sometimes life’s tragedies turn into beautiful transitions. I was very restless where I was. I came home and just felt blah. I felt like I wasn’t really “living” my life but mealy existing. I was working, paying bills, but I wasn’t happy. My daughter, Solara is the most important thing in my life and I started to feel that I wasn’t being a good example to her. I want her to be a strong, vibrant, happy little girl.  I want for her to see that her mom is excited about life so that she can immolate what she sees. Granted, this hasn’t been easy for either of us. She is adjusting to a new school and a new place and I’m not going to lie, it has been challenging but I feel in my soul that this is a new start for a better life for both of us.

            I wanted so badly to have a change and boy oh boy did I get it. I believe sometimes life forces us to change when we won’t do it on our own. For instance getting fired or broken up with may seem like a horrible thing but maybe it’s the door closing so that that wonderful window can shine through. Of course let me just say, crappy things happen and sometimes they just plain suck. But no matter what we always have a choice in how we deal with them. Without going in to too much detail I will just say life has been very challenging in the past year. There were times I wanted to give up and raise the white flag but I couldn’t, I didn’t have a choice, I had to keep fighting. I had some very special people that help me fight when I couldn’t (BRAD)

Ok I could seriously rant about this all day but I wont!

Here is my point for the day.

Look for the beauty in the disasters; remember that you can always get up no matter how many times you fall. We all want something to look forward to. We all want to be happy but it is up to us to find that happiness and its important to remember happy isn’t always going to be there, we loose it we find it, we loose it we find it, but it’s always there. Nobody will complete your life but YOU. Am I perfect? NO do I have it all figured out? Absolutely not, but this I know… I’m going to be ok! I can take what life has to offer and I will try as hard as I can to make the decision to be happy.  Emotions are flawed so logic tells the heart what to do when the heart is too weak and the heart tells logic what to do when logic makes no sense (make sense?).

I’m so excited for my new life. New people, new adventures, and a new mindset. It’s never too late for a second chance. What can I say I truly am the eternal optimist J

DON’T EVER SETTLE

DON’T EVER GIVE UP

Oh and…

WALK AWAY FROM THE FRENCH FIRES!

XOXO

Sarah