Every cloud has a silver thunderstorm.

Well here is it... My heart out there for everyone to read. I’ve always been candid about my life. I feel like our experiences, painful as they can be, inspire others. It’s not what happens to us that matters, its how we deal with it. We all have our burdens to bear. We all have our inner battles we face daily, even if some of us hide it better than others. As the New Year is upon us many will reflect on this past year, some with regret, some with joy and some with hope for the upcoming year. I feel a little of everything. My life has been like a bad county song. Lost three cars, a job, apartment and a boy friend all in ten months. But this rant isn’t about any of that. Its about one thing we all can relate to; Rejection. We all have been rejected at one point. We all have felt heart break. Most of us know what its like to loose something.

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of my prince. I didn’t have many boyfriends when I was younger but I did have a vivid imagination. I always was in love with the notion of love. I used to watch movies and listen to songs and believe with all my heart that it was all real. That one day I would meet a man who would make me feel like a princess. That soul mates really did exist and that love was the strongest feeling on earth. Sparks, fireworks, butterflies; the whole shabang. I think because I had limited dating experience when I was younger I romanticized everything and basically set myself up for failure. Every single guy I've ever dated has either been emotionally unavailable, messed up, or broken up with me. I’m always heart broken in the end and I always feel like it was my fault. Like, if I just did something different they would have stayed. Fortunately I’m learning my pattern and trying to fix it. I was always choosing guys that were fixer uppers so that I would feel like I was the best they could get, knowing in my heart it wasn’t right, yet trying to force it to work out of sheer stubborn will. It wasn’t till a couple years ago that I started dating up. I only went out with people that I saw a potential future with. See here is some truth about me; I pretend not to be a hopeless romantic but I so am. I keep getting my heart broken but every time I meet some one new I think maybe this is my time. Maybe this is the guy. I’ve only really been in love twice. The first time was when I was 28 and the second was just recently. Before those guys I always knew that even though I may have loved them, it wasn’t a real true love because it wasn’t reciprocated. I have this problem... I give away my heart way to fast. I put my whole self into a relationship and when it’s over I feel like I’ve lost my identity. I pride myself on being an individual but I now realize that I worry too much about the other person and neglect myself. What was once attractive about me fades away with my self confidence.

A man loves a woman who loves herself.  A confident self sufficient individual who keeps her own interest. A woman who is secure in who she is, apart from the title of "girlfriend". Obviously men like to be needed but not to be clung to. This balance is something I am still trying to find in my life. I know I am not the cause of all of my break ups but I can try to improve my weaknesses in order to protect my own heart. All we can do with heartbreak is take the lessons leaned, and hope the next time works out. It’s not fair to our future mate to bring our old baggage into the new relationship. It’s not fair to our own heart to keep it broken and potentially miss out on something amazing.

I’m no victim; I am not the only one in the world with pain. I also know that I have amazing things to offer not just to a man but to the world. My mom always told me it’s better to be loved by the right one that liked by a lot. I will never loose hope. I will never be too broken to love again. It’s ok to cry, to feel sad, and to mourn for a lost love. It’s not ok to let that damage you to the point of brokenness.

For this New Year, I want to focus on my music my daughter and being ok alone. Restoring my heart and my mind. Remembering what’s good in the world. Believing in all the magnificent things ahead and learning from each and every experience. It’s never proactive to hold on to bitterness. Hate only breeds negative reactions from the world around you but forgiveness and a positive attitude can go a long way.(and some good friends to support you) When the storm is over and the clouds subside there is a beautiful rainbow, but we would never see it unless we endured the storm. To be honest, I don’t even believe every word I write but dammit ill keep writing them until I do.

Keep smiling

And take a yoga class while you’re at it

XOXO

Sarah

“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already 3-parts dead.”
-Bertrand Russel