Hello My Pretties and Handsomes.
I hope you are living well, making good choices, not settling and exercising! Today's topic is a particularly hard one to write about, but like I always say, honesty is pure and real and just maybe my struggles will help someone else. Let’s start with the color green. One website suggests that, Green is life. Abundant in nature, green signifies growth, renewal, health, and environment. On the flip side, green is jealousy or envy (green-eyed monster) and inexperience. Brace yourself; this is going to get uncomfortable. I struggled for a few days on how and if I should write about this subject. I have little problem talking about food ,heartbreak and insecurity. Jealousy, however, is a tricky one. No one wants to admit they want what others have. It's one thing to envy famous people and models and pine after beauty, success and fame, its quite another to look at those close to your life and wish for the life they lead. This isn’t a feel sorry for me because my life is so crappy rant, I know I am blessed. I am just choosing to talk about and admit the things most of us don’t want to admit. We battle against ourselves everyday. I have always had a problem with jealousy, not malicious sabotage jealousy but quite feelings of “I wish I had what they had.” or “When is it my turn?” or ‘Why couldn’t it of been me?” Wow... admitting this out lout is embarrassing, but I hope by purging this, I somehow cleanse myself of these toxic emotions and be renewed in my thinking. Ever since I was a little girl, I believed I was going to be famous. It wasn’t a question, it was going to happen. It was going to happen in the midst of Waitressing, bartending, receptining(not a work i know), baristing, retailing, you name it,I did it. Everyday of my life I keep thinking, “Just wait for the plan, its coming, just wait for the plan.” But… What if THIS is the plan. *Shutters*
So here is my dirty little secret... READY? I’m jealous a lot. I’m jealous of the women with the husbands that adore them and families that eat at the dinner table. I’m jealous of people who can travel and buy clothes not on sale. I’m jealous of people with a career they love. I’m jealous of people who seem to be void of insecurities but most of all I am jealous of entertainers who are successful. My dream has always been to be a successful singer/actress. Let me preface this by saying I DO NO wish ill will on anyone. As much as I may want it, it wouldn’t make me feel better to see people hurt. I would never do anything to sabotage or get in the way of someone’s plan. Life has a flow and sometimes our impatience can get the best of us, which causes us to question. Feelings of inadequacy and doubt flood our mind and all we can see is what we don’t have. I do believe with all my heart that life is truly what you make of it. What if my plan is to work a bunch of day jobs, raise my daughter, sing my songs, be kind to others and just enjoy living. Cynical Sarah finds that very depressing because I've always thought I was meant for something larger than life. I’ve always seen myself making some kind of imprint on the world, but... what if this is it? Would I be ok with that? What if I don’t “make it”? The place of joy is the place of peace. So I know in my heart that my plan is on track weather I see it or not. I constantly compare myself to others and some days I really indulge in those “woe is me” feelings. Depression is very real. It will consume you and make you feel like everyone is better. If you allow yourself to believe those dark thoughts then you will make them happen. You will be worse than everyone else because that’s what you have created in your mind. Let’s face it we all have crap to deal with. If my plan is just this, this very moment, right now, then I have to learn to be ok with that. If we cannot appreciate where we are now and are grateful then how are we to be trusted with more? So I will fight this fight will all of you who read this and similar struggles. It’s ok to feel jealous, we are human. We have dreams and hopes, and of course we want what we want. I will fight against this green eyed monster, because it has no part of my plan, other than to teach me humility. I want to say sorry to all those (even if they don’t read or know this is about them) for ever feeling jealous of what you have. Some of these people are very close to me and others we strangers but either way I chose to let this monster out of the bag and fight him with my bare fists. Although he may come back to temp me, I will fight him dally if I have to. Good breeds good. Bad breeds bad. Simple. Whether my plan is this or there is something grand ahead, ill be ok regardless, because daily I will fight the monsters until one day they are a distant memory.
I encourage you to do the same.
Challenge for the week: Log everything you eat and how it makes you feel after
Oh and be kind
XOXO
Sarah
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