It's not me it's you

Hello my loves.

Welcome to a new week. Monday, dreaded Monday. Except one thing is different about this day: My attitude! This rant is a mix of idealist teenage Sarah, mixed with more experienced, less fairytale minded, yet still hopeful thirty year old Sarah. Yesterday I was on the treadmill at the gym and I happened to catch the end of sex and the city, the series finally, which I have seen before but not for a while. Its so weird how things like a TV show can speak to you when you most need it. I’ve been struggling with letting go lately. Although most of my recent posts are of a positive inspirational nature, my heart has not responded in the same fashion. Its really hard for me to let go of love, because I totally pour my heart into someone, so when its over, I feel an unbearable pain that almost feels like a death, so instead of feeling that pain until its gone, I try to make it work with the person to avoid the funeral feeling. I tend to draw things out and have ten million dramatic goodbyes full of tears followed by kind words, followed by questions I don’t want to know the answers to, followed by hurt feelings. Hey, Sarah lets hurt your heart over and over again just to make sure it real.” (that’s inner me being sarcastic)

Ok, back to sex and the city. So in case you’ve never seen this show, ill briefly explain this episode. Carrie (sjp) is in Paris with her Russian, successful, rich, artist boyfriend (who I personally thought was an old ugly weirdo). She’s pretty much living any girls dream. The problem with this scenario; he’s married to his work and everything that comes along with that life. She finally has an epiphany that what he has to offer is everything but his heart and that realization is enough for her to walk away. I know it’s kind of cheesy referencing a cliché show like this, but let me tell you it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. You know when people say “its not you it’s me.” Sometimes it’s really NOT you it’s THEM. Sometimes the person you’re with can genuinely care for you but just not be capable or available to give you what you need. When we remove emotions from a situation it’s always easier to see clearly. So at the gym at around 2pm, jogging on the treadmill, watching sex and the city, it happened; I got it, I accepted it and I was ok with it. What is it? IT, is accepting that I am officially single. IT, is accepting that it not all my fault and I am not unlovable. IT, is accepting that love will find me and I will not have to convince someone to love me. It is acknowledging that I want love and I am willing to wait for the full 100% real deal. IT, is accepting that things just didn’t work despite my best efforts. Finally “IT” is time to move on. You know when your heart hurts so badly and you feel like you’ll never be ok and you can’t imagine your world with ought the other person in it and you to yearn for the day you will wake up and finally feel ok! Well it happens, it really truly does happen and when it does it’s a magical feeling, like waking up from a long sleep and falling in love with life again. So this Monday is not mundane or depressing like usual, this Monday is my official new start of being single and you know what I am really ok with that. So all my previous posts that I wrote half heartedly believing what I said, yea, I believe it now. So what does this have to do with your life? Everything. Learning how to let go of things we cannot change. Saying goodbye to someone we love even if it kills us, because we know we have to protect our own heart first. Accepting things for what they are and not what they could be. Taking as much time as you need to finally “get it” whatever it may be. In order to move past any circumstance, it is important to let go of the anger and the hurt. Resolve the issues you have within yourself before you try and figure out the other person. So today, I have hope for the unknown, for the love that will find me one day, and I am actually looking forward to the single life again. I’m not too bad once I get to know me.

Have a fabulous week!

Challenge for the week- Eat one less snack, and burn 100 more calories. Easy but effective

XOXO

Sarah

“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

Carrie Bradshaw