The Motherside

As I lay here awake with my 5 month old daughter sleeping soundly in the crib next to me, I can't help but think about what being a mom really means. Sometimes I wonder what is a "good" parent? With so much judgment in the world around us, yet so much dysfunction in our own lives, how can we ever tell someone else what is "good"? The scary thing is, anyone(that can get pregnant) can have a child. There is no class you have to pass, or background check to conceive. You have to take a test to operate a vehicle, but not raise a child, (obviously adoption is the exception but you get my drift) kind of scary when you wrap your head around that. Anyway that's not my point. Like at all.. Today I was reflecting on how much my life has changed since becoming a mother of a second child. My older daughter is already eleven, and as I get ready for the teen drama that is about to unfold, I simultaneously embark on a whole new journey of firsts, with my little one, Violet. I'm going to be honest, really honest. Some days I literally mourn for my old life, and even as I type that I feel the guilt wash over me. See, when You're a mom, guilt is pretty much with you all day and all night. You want some freedom? Ohh, what you don't enjoy your kids? What's that, you miss going out? What kind of a mom are you? This is the internal dialogue that plays in my mind, on repeat. I don't want to be the kind of person that constantly looks back at my life and glamorizes what I use to have, because what I had then was far from perfect yet it's so easy to see the grass a whole lot greener when your standing on the motherside (see what I did there?) The bittersweet feeling of being a mother, yearning for the freedom that you had before the sleepless nights all while basking in the glory of baby laughs and maternal bliss. And let's not even talk about what happens to your body and how long it takes to get back to where you were! Seriously I could write a book on that! Constantly comparing yourself to other people, and feeling as though you'll never measure up. Looking at your beautiful baby and being so complete yet feeling so lonely and lost at the same time. And you know.. I use to think that the married women have it all together and that life must be so much easier for them, because they have a partner to share this journey with, but the truth is when you are a mother you always feel like you could be doing more. If anyone feels like I do, you know there is always an internal pressure to prove yourself. To Prove that you don't just stay home and do nothing all day. To prove that what you're doing is just as valuable as a corporate job. To prove that just because you might not talk to another adult all day doesn't mean that you're not interesting. To prove that you don't need a man, and that you're doing just fine alone. To prove that you don't feel bad about yourself or that you don't care what others think. To prove that being a single mom doesn't mean your damaged goods. Most importantly, to prove to yourself that you are doing the best you can and that everyday you wake up has purpose, because you are molding a human being. And as I struggle every day with this constant battle of guilt and pride, I am reminded of the incredible love produced from my "job" as a mother. The way my daughters look at me with pure,innocent, unconditional love. They don't care if my body is perfect or my make up is flawless. They don't care if I'm a waitress or movie star, they just care that I'm mom. Please remember most of us are doing the best we can. We don't need to be shamed or guilted or judged. We probably beat ourselves up more than you ever could. Let's be kind and supportive. And remember..as my dad Plato said "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." Oh and one more thing... Tell your mom you love her! Ps (Plato's not my dad) Happy Mother's Day! Xoxo Sarah

The Maze

Today I woke up and for the first time I wanted to write! It's been over a year since I've wanted to write (did you cry a little?) I don't know if its because it is snowing in April or because I'm going to be 35 this month(and I'm having sort of a pre-midlife crisis) Sike (yes I said SIKE) but for some reason I woke up inspired and ready to share! OK now that we got that nonsense out of the way...it's time to get to the nitty gritty. I've forgotten what it's like to express myself via words, and wow I could write a book on this year alone! I thought I had found what I was looking for. I thought I had found my future, my family, my missing piece. I Thought, finally!!! I FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT! WRONG!' I got it so wrong. I found a guy, we fell in love. He wined and dined me and made me feel like all those other guys just didn't "get me". I bet you're thinking I'm going to tell you I'm engaged and living happily ever after huh? Fast forward to present day. I'm sitting here in my apartment in new jersey. Listening to my 4 month old wake up in the other room. That's right, I have a baby now! Most of you who read this are on my social media so you already know this. Many people don't know the whole story, mainly because I haven't felt like it was necessary to even share, but today i woke up inspired and maybe just maybe there is someone who will read this and it will speak to them. I Think for the first time in my life I finally realize that I have been the one that needed to change. Its easy to blame others and say "why cant they just accept me for me?" but the reality is, if you don't become the person who is fulfilled completely alone, then you will never attract the person who you truly deserve, and not only that how can we demand to be with someone amazing if we, ourselves are a hot mess?! It's easy to find a relationship it's hard to find the right relationship. In this day an age anyone can find someone (heck tinder is like ordering takeout)but if your mind and heart aren't healthy, chances are your Union will fail in a true partnership and thrive in co-dependency. (and remember there are exceptions to every rule but like the movie, He's just not that into you told us, we are usually the exception not the rule.) Reality really slapped me in the face with this lesson. I wont get in to details of the other person because it's not fair for his privacy, but i will say this...We were two broken people looking to fix each other in all the wrong ways. We made all the wrong choices. We rushed into everything. We had a baby. We are broken up. Two broken people cannot mend each other. Now i want to tell you that my baby girl is literally my angel at the end of this past year of darkness, but the parts in the middle almost broke me completely. In life we pick a path. We choose the maze or we choose the strait line, but either way we choose. I know sometimes its not our fault but most of the time our lives are the direct result of our everyday choices. (except for the things we cannot control obvi) There are two ways i could of looked at this past year. I could of said "woe is me, why is my life in shambles?!" or I can say "I made these choices but Gods grace still allows a path for me" Today I choose to be grateful for grace. I don't want to get all preachy, but i have to tell you, Grace, in these circumstances has humbled me. I have been stubborn my whole life. Ive done things my way. I've chose the maze every single time. I light a match and then wonder why there is a flame. Physically, being pregnant humbles you. I've freely written about my body issues, well let me tell you.....if you want to force yourself to look for inner beauty , GET PREGANANT! This is a whole other rant but i can honestly said i loathed being pregnant and so does my body (the baby part is awesome though). I work super hard to stay in shape being pregnant sort of forces you to let go of some control because your body is literally making a human being. No matter how many times someone says give yourself a break, I go through this whole self loathing "I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I'll never be good enough" thing. i totally realized how much of my self Worth was wrapped up in my appreance. I envy those girls who love their bodies while cooking a bun, because my oven was not my friend but alas... All of this was a part of a lesson, a very hard lesson. The maze lesson i chose has lead me to a grand revelation. So i bet youre wondering what is the point of this whole speil? I know i tend to drift so stay with me. It took me until almost 35 years old to realize that most of my life is a direct reflection of how I thought about myself! I never believed I deserved more, so i never got more. I never thought i could be successful, so i never became successful. I'm in a place where I'm completely starting over. I have my two girls , i have my apartment and i have gods grace! I was forced to learn to live very simply and I had(have)no option but to trust and have faith that there is a light, not at the end of the maze but within the maze guiding me through every challenge and every hardship. There was a strong part of me that belived i had messed up my life beyond repair. I told myself it was over and this was it. I belived i was doomed to be alone forever because of the choices I've made. This morning i can honestly tell you that i woke up completely grateful for the things I have in for the things I have not. I no longer feel like a victim. I no longer feel like I'm punished for my past. The cool thing about life is,it literally gives you a chance to start new with every sunrise and every sunset. So if you are reading this and you think its over and you've messed up beyond repair, please hear these words. You may of chosen the maze of life but there is still a plan and there is still grace. Find the flashlight and keep it moving! (Oh and tell a pregnant women she's pretty) xoxo sarah

Today I woke up and for the first time I wanted to write! I know its been a while and I'm sorry for that, but I cannot write, sing or do anything creative without being inspired. I don't know if its because it is snowing in April or because I'm going to be 35 this month and I'm having sort of a pre-midlife crisis but something feels different...

OK now that we got that all out of the way...

Its been longer than a year since I've shared with you, and wow I could write a book on this year alone! I thought I had found what I was looking for. I thought I had found my future, my family, my missing piece. I Thought, finally!!! I FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT!

WRONG!'

I got it so wrong. I found a guy, we fell in love. He wined and dined me and made me feel like all those other guys just didn't "get me".

I bet you're thinking I'm going to tell you I'm engaged and living happily ever after huh?

Fast forward to present day. I'm sitting here in my apartment in new jersey. Listening to my 4 month old wake up in the other room. That's right I have a baby, most of you who read this are on my social media so you already know this. Most people don't know my story, because I haven't felt like it was nessicary to even share this, but today i woke up inspired and maybe just maybe there is someone who will read this and it will speak to them.

I Think for the first time in my life I finally realize that I have been the one that needed to change. Its easy to blame others and say "why cant they just accept me for me?" but the reality is, if you don't become the person who is fulfilled completely alone then you will never attract the person who is most healthy for you, sure you may have relationships but they will ushal end in heartbreak and thrive in co-dependency. Reality really slapped me in the face with this lesson. I wont get in to details because I don't want to put this persons business out there but i will say this...We were two broken people looking to fix each other in all the wrong ways. We made all the wrong choices. We rushed into everything. We had a baby. We are broken up. Two broken people cannot mend each other. Now i want to tell you that my baby girl is literally my angle in this year of darkness. In life we choice a path. We choose the maze or we choose the strait line but either way we choose. I know sometimes its not our fault but most of the time our lives are the direct result of our everyday choices. (except for the things we cannot control obvi)

There are two ways i could of looked at this past year. I could of said "woe is me why is my life in shambles" or I can say "I made these choices but gods grace still had a path for me"

Today I choose to be grateful for grace. I don't want to get all preachy but i have to tell you that Grace in these curcumstances really have humbled me. I have been so stubborn my whole life. Ive done things my way. I've chose the maze every single time. Physically, being pregnant humbles you. I've freely written about my body issues, well let me tell you.....if you want to force yourself to look for inner beauty , GET PREGANANT! This is a whole other rant but i can honestly said i loathe being pregnant and so does my body (the baby part is awesome though). I work super hard to stay in shape and that all goes out the window when I'm pregnant. Then i have to go through this whole self loathing "I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I'll never be good enough" thing. i totally realized how much of myself was wrapped up in my appreance. I envy those girls who love their bodies while cooking a bun, because my oven was not my friend! all of this was a big part of a lesson, a very hard lesson. The maze lesson i chose has lead me to a grand revelation. So i bet youre wondering what is the point of this whole speil? I know i tend to drift so stay with me. It took me until almost 35 years old to realize that my thinking is a direct result of my life! I never belived i deserved more, so i never got more. I never thought i could be successful so i never became successful. I'm in a place where I'm completely starting over. I have my two girls , i have my apartment and i have gods grace!

There was a strong part of me that belived i had messed up my life beyond repair. I told myself it was over and this was it. I belived i was doomed to be alone forever because of the choices ive made.

This morning i can honestly tell you that i woke up completely grateful. I no longer feel like a victim. I no longer feel like I'm punished. The cool thing ahout life is it literally gives you a chance to star new with every sunrise. So if youre reading this and you think its over and you've messed up beyond repair, please hear these words. You may of chosen the maze of life but there is still a plan and there is still grace.

thank you for listening!

xoxo

sarah

Table for one please: An anti anti Valentines day rant

So first of all i would like to say HELLO! I know my posts have been sporadic but i promise to try to be more on the ball with my rants, dating dramas, life changes and maybe even some funny stories... I'm pretty sure I'm ADD but who really cares? who isn't ADD these days, with all the instant gratification, social media and other various electronic distractions, how could anyone focus on one thing at a time?!

OK, FOCUS SARAH .... 

Since i haven't written to you in a while i feel like the first part of this rant will be a little bit of catch, So here goes.. 

Still a waitress. Still a singer. Still Very very very single. Still dating all the wrong boys.. commitment phoebes, players, flakes, wolves in sheeps clothing, and this last guy.. well that's a post in itself but i don't think i can even go there right now... So now that we've caught up.. lets talk about the day.. 

VALENTINES DAY..*dun dun dun*

 the dreaded day for singles everywhere. February 14th aka the day you act like you hate love, couples, romance and all things flowers and chocolate. Mind you, I work at the quintessential first date place already so valentines day there is couple mania times a billion( luckily this year my band has a show so I'm off) I know its just a day.  One day, 24hours of in your face love. One day of concentrated romance and co-workers getting flowers while you sit there pretending to be happy. One day of seeing every dude in CVS last minute trying to find a card for his mate. One day of every restaurant packed with girls in red and hand holding. One day of feeling like a Jew on Christmas. Here's the thing.. regardless of all the horrible luck I've had with dating the past few years and the almost lovers i seem to continually be disappointed by, I still have this hopeless romantic inside of me who believes that her time will come. *sigh*

 Every Valentines day i hear people talk about how much they hate the day..(ironically most of them are in relationships) I get that its a man made hallmark holiday and holidays have a marketing agenda to gain monetary revenue from smucks and suckers aka the general public, but i cant help but think that valentines day is kind of amazing when you really think about it. Hear me out...

 I do believe that if you love someone, you should show your love often, and gifts and gestures shouldn't be reserved  for a certain day. I do think that the commercialization's of valentines day tends to be obnoxious. Valentines day;marketing manipulation at its finest. That being said the concept of celebrating love is pretty awesome. I don't think its a horrible thing to take a day and make it an obnoxious 24 hours dedicated to all things love. Red roses,chocolates, and cheesy cliche  cards with awkward romantic gestures from the men  who  love you enough to make a fool of themselves. I am not saying that one day should define a relationship but can we stop being so anti and embrace the cheese of the day?! I'm not in love but one day i hope to be and i hope the man i love sends me flowers to work on valentines day( yes i said it and i don't regret it) it's  ok to be cliché sometimes.  We get it single people you hate this day but come on, secretly you want the mushy love crap too, so stop frontin we all know you cried at the notebook. I don't ever want to turn into that bitter girl that hates on people in love, because honestly love is one of the best gifts in life. We all want to be loved and wanted by someone. I don't think that valentines day is an essential part of a healthy and happy relationship, but i do believe its ok to embrace the day and celebrate without shame. Stop being a rebel and just love the idea of love, whether its one day or everyday, the more you embrace it the faster it will come into your life. I know this is like super corny, and trust me of all people To be hateful of the V Day, it should be me. My dating life is like a episode of punked on repeat, yet somehow I still have this idealistic hope that one day.. Well ya know.. One day

*sigh again*

Every year I always hear how much people hate valentines day,  but maybe this year we could learn to love it a little and see what happens. I challenge you to celebrate valentines day, single or not. Make it an awesome day filled with love and chocolate and rom coms that you're embarrassed to admit you love. So what if you are single, buy your friend flowers, or even yourself for that matter.  Who cares what people think, be ridiculous and love it!  Eat stupid 

heart shaped foods, Hug strangers, Heck, maybe even ask someone out on a date! Love is amazing feeling and it should be embraced and celebrated. One day ill experience it for myself but this year i choose to be happy for those that have it now. So happy valentines day everyone!  I hope you don't wanna punch me in the face after reading this..😘😉

Till next time

I LOVE YOU!
  XOXO Sarah

Dreams lost? wake up and redefine!

Hi! Omg it's been so long since I last ranted to you about my life/lovelife!! As most of you know this blog started as a health and fitness blog but quickly turned into a compulsively honest diary about my lack of luck in the love department. Sadly.. True love still hasn't found me, yet I remain the hopeless romanic who never ceases to loose the "ya never know" attitude. My dating experience? Still short lived and sadly, they always ends the same.. Disappointing. Bitter? Nah this girl watched to many movies to give up hope just yet!

"Well let me bring it back to the subject"(a little salt and peppa reference for my 90s peeps)
The reason why I haven't written in a while is because my laptop(first and only laptop I've ever had) was stolen out of my car, oh and that job I had in my last post, yea that's gone too. (Laid off not fired)  So here I am back to waitressing full time. It's ironic.. Everytime I force myself into a  "career" I'm not really into, something seems to take it away.  Is it that it's not meant to be or  I'm just not fit for the 9-5 world? The jury is still out...
The other day I had a horrible thought, I realized All the plans I've had for my life just aren't falling into place. Then  i thought, that's it...I'm a waitress, all I am is a waitress. Obviously I'm a singer and a mom but I literally in that moment had no desire to climb the corporate or any other ladder for that matter. (Semi rhyme?)
I digress ..For years I've been thinking of a back up plan. Go back to school? Find another unreliable desk job I hate? All of these things seems to fall at my feet with every other pipe dream in my brain and at the end of the day, I am just lost at 32. The world around me is full of wives, college students,  professionals I serve sushi to, people with a purpose, people who have a plan, people I sometimes envy. I feel like I'm just living my life day to day, with each minute loosing the idealism I once had, loosing the momentum to be anything more than what I am at this very moment.
Now this all sounds depressing but I assure you it's not. Maybe I'm just redefining what "purpose" is. Maybe waitressing until I find something that speaks to me is my path. Maybe being lost is part of the find.
I'm in a band, I'm working on a solo album. I pay my bills and I laugh daily. No, it's not the dream I once had but it is my reality. Its an odd feeling when you come to the realization that you're not the girl in high school planning her future anymore and that in this very moment, like it or not, is your life.
 A single mom.
A waitress.
A singer.
A loner.
Unlucky in love an still getting it wrong.
Falling down over and over and still getting back up
Making a fool of myself and still laughing
Watching others thrive
Watching others get married
Watching children who have an involved father
Watching people travel
Watching people write without spelling and or grammar errors ;)

Feeling alone
Feeling lost
Feeling scared
Feeling alive.
All of this is life. Good, bad, raw and beautiful.
See the thing is.. Maybe I'll never get it right, maybe I'll never find what I think I should have, but what I have is beautiful and real and it's mine.
I look in the eyes of my daughter and I know that I'm doing something right and the only thing I need to change is the perception of my life's dream.
Ok that was deep... And a little long winded. That's me, I never shut up!
So anyway I'm sure you're all wondering about my love life..
Well
It's uh.. Non existent but I'll be damned if I give up!
One day I won't be too much for someone, one day that love will find but until then I'm just gonna keep messing up and finding the beauty In the mess.
I hope this inspires someone!
Xoxo
Sarah
 

but...but.. I DONT WANNA GROW UP!!!

Ok, so first of all, HI! how is everyone? did you miss me? Any who lets get to it,because i don't have much time today. Now, i could go on and on about boys again but lets face it, you all know the deal. Hopeless romantic who puts her heart out there to all the wrong men and gets hurt,dissed, or just played for a fool. Is it bad that i feel OK or maybe even a little numb to it these days. Of course i want to meet my prince charming but I've been working so much that i haven't even let it get to me that much anymore....Which leads me to the real reason for today's post....
Ever since i was a little girl I just knew i was gonna be something. There was not one doubt that i would be famous, so i lived my life with no back up plan. I moved to NYC when i was 19 and i just knew that fame was in my fate. I remember sitting in the McDonalds(I know what you are thinking but it was a big McDonalds and I could sit there for free) in times square at the age of 22 and thinking i have eight more years to make it big. I was so terrified that those eight years would come and that i wouldnt have "made it". Well, here i am ten years later and i am not famous. I have had some little bits of attention here and there, even a record deal(that never came to fruition) but never got that big break.....and then one day............
I GOT PREGNANT! ooops! i was 23, living in Brooklyn, working at Madam Tussauds wax museum,three months behind in my rent and living off dollar pizza. Yup, living the dream. I'll never forget the day I packed up all my stuff and moved in with my brother in Delaware, that was on of the most depressing days of my life.
I felt like the dreams i had for myself were gone and that i would now live a mundane life of grey and all the color was gone from my future.
I felt like my freedom was taken and now i would just be another stereotypical single mom.
So I had to alter my dream, except I didn't alter, I settled. I pretty much felt like it was over for me but i didnt want any type of career so I just kept getting lame receptionist, bar tenting or waitressing jobs. I never really had any future plans for who I was going to be. I fell right into the damsel in distress role and i was not a pretty princess, i was a pathetic victim always placing the blame on someone else. I lived my life like this for years. Yes i loved(love) my little girl and loved being a mom but deep down i just felt like something was missing and that maybe fame could still happen for me. I was living my life in limbo, just waiting for something or someone to come along and make it all better.... but...... they didn't come and no one knocked on my door and the only people who did come along were toxic and unhealthy.
There has always been this fear in me that if I am good at something else and I become a responsible adult then I will loose the creative carefree spirit that had been my identity for so long. I honestly didn't know another way to be. Sarah was always broke financially and broken in relationships. Sarah was always forgetful and made stupid mistakes at her jobs, always the bubbly silly blond that no one ever took to seriously and I'm not gonna lie I played that role to like a Hollywood actress. No one expected much from me so I gave the bear minimum.
Its only in the past few months that Ive realized my identity does not have to be that girl anymore. I can be fun and silly and carefree but also responsible, reliable and good at something other than entertainment. Yes, there will always be a part of me that still believes it could happen and I'm always going to be a hopeless romantic, a bad speller, a little disorganized and scatter brained at times, but i do not have to accept the woe is me mentality anymore. I can be good at my day job and still be creative and uniquie.
When your identity is tied to "being a mess" It is very hard to break the cycle and realize you can be more than what you were or are. Ive experienced some harsh growing pains over the past few months, the fear of accepting the new altered role of who i am becoming makes me uncomfortable and honestly It scares the crap out of me. I don't know what will happen from this point on but i do know I am tired of living in the fear of success and haven't the "lottery mentality". 
I want to have a fruitful life for me and my daughter. I want to push my limits and start to be something Ive always fear... AN ADULT!
So for once, its not about a boy.. its about me. Its about taking responsibility and becoming my own person. Its about redefining my identity. I don't have to be a victim any more. I don't have to be Sarah, the girl who always is broke or loses her job or has some heartbreak. I can be more and i can be better without losing myself. I don't know where this road will take me but I am excited for the future!
So maybe you should redefine who you are too. Its ok to let go of things that have held you down and even if you fight it and it hurts, embrace the change because in the end the caterpillar who lets itself die to his its

ways becomes a beautiful butterfly! (corny i know,but true)
Hope everyone is inspired and grateful today!
XOXO
Sarah

Just Stop

HELLLLOOOOOOO MY LOVES!
Did you miss me?? I know  you did! Well as usual I wont disappoint  and I bring you, yet another disappointing dating disaster... Lets be honest, I know what I'm doing has been an epic fail (and yes i know that phrase is played out but oh well). I've been attracting all the wrong types and the more I date the worse it gets, when inside, my soul is screaming..."STOP DATING FOR A WHILE". but noooooo, Sarah hates to give up control, she would rather learn the hard way through tears and disappointment. I even went to talk to a counselor at my church and his advice was to take a break from dating for six months so I can heal and be whole before I'm ready to meet the right one, so I did exactly that...NOT! As soon as I left the church I knew I wouldn't be able to keep that deal because the man I was seeing already had a hold on me. This man clearly was not going to be my husband but he provided comfort and I enjoyed that feeling of having someone even though inevitably I knew it would end.. and it did.. horribly! See, when you force a man to be something you want he will always rebel, so the problem isn't me, the problem is choosing the wrong men and fooling myself into thinking they will fall for me and all will be right in the world as we skip off into the sunset.
So the epiphany may of finally happened, MAYBE! As I was driving home from said mans house last night I realized that I am willfully hurting myself and there is something addicting about that pain that keeps me coming back for more. I cant remember the last decent guy I went out with that made me feel good about myself and there is a reason for that, I haven't felt good about myself in a very long time and therefore I attract men that affirm that feeling. I am no victim I am a masochist that throws herself into the fire and cries when she gets burned. Inside my head I know what I need to do but the flesh is weak and keeps me from growing and keeps me insecure and needy. Ive always cared so much about what these men think of me, so much so that its actually driven me and them crazy. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure of one thing... The more you explain to someone you're not crazy the crazier you appear, but in the end it doesn't matter what they think, it matters how you see yourself. I'm so stubborn and life keeps teaching me the same lesson over and over until, hopefully one day i get it. I sometimes feel like I have an addiction to attention. That is a very scary thing to admit but this is the one area in my life that continues to hold me back so i guess i should start to face the truth, right?
See, its not about the "love" you get from another person its about the silent satisfaction of accepting   what is, and letting go of the fear and control for what is not. I continue to fall into the same pattern because my heart is repeatedly broken and beat up.  I put my heart on a silver platter and lay it at a mans feet and expect them to respect and love me when I've shown them nothing but a girl who will accept anything she's given, like a hungry dog panting for a bone. I give 100% of my emotions and scare the piss out of anyone who gets close to me. Even if I met prince charming he wouldn't carry this baggage. you'd need to be on some heavy roids to carry this chip on my shoulder. Now I'm not saying its all my fault, I mean some guys are just plain wolves in sheep's clothing, but I've seen the light and I continue to walk in the dark.
So enough is enough..
Yes I've said this before but I will keep saying it until this is a reality for me. A man told me that I have this way of making people feel guilty, and he was right. I act like everything is ok and "I'm breezy", when the truth is I almost always want more and its not fair to me or them to pretend it's something else. As much as I hate to admit this, I've always had my identity wrapped up in the affections of a man and the hopes that love will save me from myself. Logically I know this is a false sense of security but emotionally I  just keep going back for the abuse. Ironically i spend a lot of time on my own and i really do like who i am but there is a part of me that just wont grow because I'm holding on to this damaging fairytale mindset.
This all sounds really depressing i know, but believe me its not because i have a new understanding of why I'm doing what i do and how i can change it. I know I'm in control of my actions, even if I'm not in control of other people's. I know I'm in control of my opinion of myself even if i cant control others opinions of  me. I know I'm in control of how much of myself i give to another person even if I'm not in control of what they give to me and most of all I'm in control of the ability to keep the hope and faith that I will be strong, I  will heal and i will have the love i deserve one day. We all are going though life with scars, some of us cover them with over confidence, some with sex and some with substances. My hope is that someone reading this finds that they are not alone in this journey and that whatever they are going through, there is always hope. I've cried so hard sometimes I've just felt like my heart was literally breaking. The sad thing is the guys I've dated recently have probably thought I was nuts over them because of how I reacted when it was over but the truth is this is repeated damage that gets worse and worse every time and until I stop allowing it to happen it will continue. There comes a time when enough is just enough. I keep ripping the bandage off before the wound is healed and its time for me to just stop, breath and take some time to remember who i am and what I want. Sometimes its OK not to be OK. Sometimes its OK not to be strong. Sometimes its OK to admit defeat, but then you pick yourself up, you look and the mirror and your stronger, your better and your more than OK.. you're GREAT.
xoxo
Sarah

My year in Dating. Warning: if you want to date me don't read this

Hi all my pretty gents and jewels! Its me, as you know I'm always very candid about my dating woes and every time i write you i hope that i will have a great story for you about love. Every time i meet a man i think, maybe this one wont be a big giant douche. Every time i meet a man i like i think, "Sarah, maybe you can finally relax and be happy for a few months even." I was running on the treadmill and i started to think about my past year of men and dating and WHEW, i cant believe how many there were. For the record I'm not talking about hook ups or sexual partners, I'm talking about men I've seen in hopes of an actual relationship.
So as you know i always keep it real because i believe our stories can help and inspire others or maybe just make them feel like someone else understands. So I'm going to recap with you the men in my past year. Since my last real relationship ended its been one disappointment after another. I think i should of just let myself be alone for a while but lets face it I'm a woman and i get lonely, not to mention this girl isn't getting any younger and id like to imagine a future without ice cream and cats. Look i know what everyone says. "You have to love yourself before anyone will love you." yea yea yea  I know all about loving myself, i think I'm freaking awesome but damn can this sista catch a break? Why is it some people just seem to find love and happiness and others have to go through war to find their mate. Maybe its because the general public tends to settle? I don't know, but I'm over it!
So I finally wave the white flag and admit that maybe its time to take a break from looking for "love" and maybe then love will find me.
Ok......so here goes, my year of men. Lets hope i can remember. And don't worry guys ill change the names in case one of you reads this.
Lets start with the one the helped my get over my ex. We will call him "Steve", Steve let me vent all I wanted, he basically let me be crazy until one day he couldn't take the crazy any more. See, Steve was a good Friend but we crossed the line and you never do that when you are in a fragile break up state. He now is a great friend but he had to put me in my place many times and pretty much let me know "He's Just not that into me."
Next there was.. lets call him Frank. Frank was someone i met on an online dating site (yes people Ive done that and i have no shame in  my game) Frank lived at home and had no job but he was hilarious and filled a void i needed at that time. We made out, nothing else and of course Frank had commitment issues and shaded out on me. AWESOME i even get rejected by losers.
Then there was a slew of Internet men. I'm gonna keep it short because this could go on for hours
"Mark" from New York. A pretentious hipster who was very complimentary and a great kisser but played head games with me for a month and like to critized everything about me for his own amusment.
"Matt" A sweetheart from Philly who also lived at home and had no job. This one was the only one who didn't reject me, I pretty much decided it wasn't going anywhere and ended it. He was a great cuddler but can a girl get a real date??
"Kyle" A very successful gentleman from new jersey. Took me out on proper dates, talked to me like a lady but just never followed up or made an effort to see me. This one at least had class. Kind of a square but at least he wasnt a jerk.

Ok and there is one more but ill save him for last because he was the one that really took the cake!

Then there was this guy Garrett. That's his real name and hes the biggest coward i ever met. We met in Brooklyn when i ended up at a bar he was managing and hit it off instantly. Talked everyday for over a month until we have a fabulous day in NYC. So this one was the nice guy right? WRONG. never heard from him again. I racked my brain trying to figure it out but had no conclusions.

Next there was "Alex" A bad boy from Atlantic city. Oh this one was hot and he knew it. The thing with bad boys is..they aren't boyfriend material. He loved to make plans with me and disappear for days. Sweet guy but he has classic hot guy syndrome. Doesn't have to try so he doesn't try.
WHEW my hands hurt!
Next...
Ok we are down to the final 3 of the past year (i think)
"Bob" bob was a real dossier. He had money and status and he saw me as his perfect prey. Totally manipulated me into being in a relationship with him, bought me this laptop I'm using as we speak(at least he was good for something) and promised me trips and a live of luxury and love.So i figured ok, i always go out with guys who [pay me no attention and reject me, why not give this one a try. As soon as i opened up and started to fall for him...BAM he was out. Mission blond girl accomplished. He did some damage to my brain but man I'm i thankful it didn't work out. can we say blessing in disguise

"Dan" A heavily tattooed smooth talker. See Dan was good and bad for me because he was used to crazy so boy did i let him have it but he liked to disappear to. whats with me and flakes?! Dan and i had some crazy chemistry but i think that's as far as it went. No proper dates from this one either and he ended up ignoring me after a slew of crazy girl text( refer to last post and  you'll see what i mean)
Now we are cool but i don't think anything was meant to come of that one

Last but not least "Jason"
oh Jason.. man this one had something.  A smile that just made me melt and that devilish yet boyish charm that i couldn't help but fall for. This one had real potential like no one I've ever met. This one i saw myself walking down the isle with and i can tell you I've never seen that with anyone even my ex boyfriends. When we were together it was like nothing existed. He was perfect with my daughter and just made me feel all around beautiful and special. Finlay i had found the one that wont leave, be shady or run away..WRONG! oh man did he do a number on me. Not one, not two but three times ended it for no reason. This one got the good Sarah, not the crazy insecure Sarah. He got me at my best. So why did he have to come into my life? To give me hope and then snatch it away before i couldn't really enjoy it. I should know by now that a guy like this would break my heart. That beautiful tortured soul of his just got to me. I thought i was done with my fixer uppers until i met him with his blue eyes...*sigh*
To make a long story even longer, he told me that he didn't have that "thing" aka attraction for me and being with me made him realize he missed another girl from his past. Take all my insecurities and fears of what a man will tell me and that's what he said and to make matters worse i was SO into him.

So that one really made me think about my part in all this. God is teaching me something and i need to listen. There is something in my attracting these type of men and each time one leaves me i instantly find another when I'm not even healed from the last heart ache.

I thought this last one took away my hope. I felt broken and cried on my floor for hours. I felt my heart was literally being beat up and this was just a cruel joke. The first time i meet someone who i see a real future with turns out to be a nut and reject me in the worst way.

But....
Guess what?
I still have hope because this one taught me that i need to be alone and heal from all the heart burn of the last year. This one showed me that i need to feel alone and be ok. This one taught me that it really isn't me sometimes. Dating is hard and hurtful sometimes but i have to keep dusting myself off and holding my head high because when that right man comes along i don't want him to get my broken bruised heart. I want him to have my healed hopeful heart, because, really we all deserve that.
Sorry for the length in this one and the poor grammar. I had tons to vent this time
Hope someone is healing from reading this and i hope no matter what you pick yourself up and move on, because that's all we can do
Now go ride a bike its beautiful outside!
XOXO
Sarah

call me crazy one more time!!!

So ever since i can remember liking boys, I've played the game wrong. People always tell me, "Let them chase you." or "Play hard to get." or my favorite "Guard your heart". So basically my whole dating life I've not been able to follow these rules and consequently get rejected every single time, even if I'm the one who loses intrest first. (How to get sarah to love you? Reject her!)
 Ok back the truck up right? I know i just kinda jumped into this subject without proper warning, but I've been so fired up today and I've had enough! I know for a fact that every single female has been called "crazy" once in her life. So what is crazy if the whole gender is deemed this word? We have these feelings inside us, feelings that cause us to react out of impulse or feelings that cause us to text things we know we will soon regret. So even if we play the game right and win the object of our affection, the crazy will ultimately rear its ugly head and all the chips we previously won will be lost.
I am an (almost) 32 year old single woman and i still cant seem to get it right. Even though i know logically what i should do, my impulses always get the best of me and i end up feeling rejected and defeated. Why does this affect me so much? Cant i just say, hes a loser and move on? (which most of them are by the way). We all carry this baggage and the more we date, the heavier the bags become. So we are all in the same boat right? Expect this boat is really small and the more bags we bring on, the more this boat sinks. My baggage is sinking every boat and i don't have a life preserver on deck.
So back to the crazy part.... I'm about to keep it real right now. are you ready? Ok so lets get right into this rejection thing. I'm about to unveil my embarrassing downward spiral of "crazy girl"

Follow these steps if you want to sabotage any existing or potential relationship

Step 1: Be awesome right away, your complete self. He will be attracted your uniqueness and want more of you

Step 2: After he is smitten with you make yourself available at all times and put forth all the effort.

Step 3: When he pulls away(which most guys do in the beginning) Go full force insecure. Men love jealousy. SIKE

Step 4: WARNING:THIS ONE IS THE KILLER When you start to feel him pulling away, let your biggest fears or rejection rule you, and text him nonstop until you can talk it out. When he doesn't respond(because youre deemed crazy at this point) just keep going until you make a complete ass of yourself and then apologize the next day and assure him you're not "crazy".

Step 5: Obsess about what happened and what you did wrong.
ADD BAG TO CART AND PROCEED TO CHECKOUT.

So you see, this is what i do. Logically i know how horrible this behavior is and how I'm only hurting myself, yet every time i sabotage and not only do i sabotage but i try to fix said sabotage by more sabotage and so the cycle continues again and again and again.

Ok, enough beating myself up..Its time to switch the blame. If any men out there read my raw and unstructured words i just ask you this one favor;If you start to loose interest in a woman for whatever reason, do her a favor and BE HONEST! No one likes rejection but you know what everyone hates??? Not being acknowledged. Don't be a coward, we can take it. Id much rather someone tell me strait up then just peace out without a word. It sucks. Maybe just maybe women are crazy because of the bags we carry of the men before us. So don't be another bag, be the truth that we all want to hear even if it hurts us.

I'll leave you with this. I know my flaws. I know my "crazy" but i also know the good i have and love i have yet to give to a deserving partner. I don't blame anyone but myself for my past mistakes but i hate that we live in a world with such little communication, A world where relationships are based off text messages and break ups are public on fb. So maybe I'm a little crazy and maybe i have unrealistic expectations but i like who i am, bags and all, so if my heart needs to break a million times, or i need to learn a million lessons before I'm ready for that lasting love, then bring it on! I welcome the challenge and i welcome the lessons. Ive been vulnerable,crazy,insecure,jealous and self sabotaging but one day, just maybe ill find the love that wont sink my boat, until then ill keep on writing about my crazy girl woes. Thanks for listening and helping me unload some of my bags
Until nextime
XOXO

Sarah

HELP, IM ON FIRE!

Well HELLO my long lost loves!
I know its been a very long time since I've written on here... mostly because i have a hard time committing to anything or any one idea for long periods of time. I have SO MANY ideas on my NATURAL blonde head, and some of them are even good, but once the caffeine induced endorphins wear off i loose my interest and am on to the next antic, plus this blog was sparked from a very unfulfilling desk job( which i got fired from) NO MORE DESK JOBS!!!!!

Anyway, so then i had the bright idea of Video FB updates, which then turned into a VLOG, but like everything else i do, i lost my mojo and ran out of clever ideas... for now...
See here is the thing about me, I'm all over the place, I'm pretty sure i have ADD and I'm pretty sure that I'm the worst procrastinator in the US of A and maybe China. That being said I'm always looking for the next "spark" in my life. There is a fire that has always burned in me but sometimes that fire just dwindles into  a little flicker, but ill be dammed if let that flicker turn to ashes.
 Until I'm dead and gone from this beautiful, painful world you better believe that flames gonna burn.

OK now lets recap since we last talked....
1. I Still work out and still have to constantly fight against my ornery metabolism. Damn you cookies!!!
2. Recently I've taken up running, which for me is a HUGE deal because running is something i could never do in the past so I'm pretty darn proud of myself
3. I am a waitress....for now
4. I moved into a big house with two girls from work.. A bit out of my comfort zone but apart from the drafty upstairs and luke warm shower its pretty awesome
5. I had a whirlwind "almost romance" with a man who was unlike all the rest, and i finally thought i could rest. He promised me the world but when reality set in the world wasn't delivered and unfortunately little idealist Sarah was heart broken once again.. but we will talk about that another time...
6. I still have horrible grammar and spelling skills
and finally ill leave you with the last

 Lucky #7 WARNING: inspiration ahead


So my last update hasn't come to fruition yet because as i write you, i am starting to feel a slight flame in my belly. This flame has been hidden because somewhere in the past year i put myself into auto pilot because my little heart just couldn't take any more disappointment. My last romantic hopeful was the jenga piece that made me fall. I wanted to give up on love, i didn't want to try anymore. So i did what i always do.. Routine. WORK,DAUGHTER,GYM,SLEEP REPEAT. It wasn't quite a funk because i wasn't quite unhappy but i wasn't exactly Happy either. It was that spark that was missing. No inspiration to write music or to have hope for the future, only living day to day. Sometimes its a good thing to be in the moment but not when the moment is only literally a moment with no momentum for anything more. So as we approach the cliche ever anticlimactic new year, lets think about that fire. What is your flame? Don't ever let the day just be a day. Don't let your heart break to the point where its numb. Don't let your plans slip away into the darkness. Don't let your age be your crutch. Put some gas on that fire and cause havoc! (I'm totally speaking to myself too BTW). I know in my bones I'm meant for something good. One day ill have love, one day ill have success. One day ill know why i went through all of this nonsense, but for now i think ill go get some gas, maybe we can borrow from each other?
LIGHT THAT FIRE BABY!
oh and PS get off your butt and workout!!!!!!
XOXO,
SARAH






I'm here to Pump YOU up.

WAKE UP!!!!!!

 There, did I get your attention? How many of us are feeling the post holiday January blues? I know, I, for one have had a mean case of the blahs the past couple weeks. I started to feel blah about how I look and my exercise routine, though consistent, is not as challenging as I would like it to be and sugar has been creeping back into my diet; This friends, is a rut. Over the years I have learned to identify said ruts before they take over my life. In the past I would give power to my emotions, and in turn, my mind and body would follow suit. There are two kinds of depression; the “can’t get out of bed because of sobbing and lost interest in showering, kind” and the “Everyday dull routine something’s missing, kind” I, personally believe the ladder of the two is worse. At least when you cry you feel, but when you experience that blah lackluster daily attitude, it’s much more harmful to your mind and body in the long run. We all experience this feeling from time to time, and I think it’s perfectly normal, but it’s important to acknowledge it immediately and nip it in the bud before it becomes a permanent part of our identity. Positive thinking is important, yes, but reality is also just as important and it’s essential to have both in perspective at all times. I do believe if you set your focus on something enough you will attain it but this is a daily practice not a Santa clause one time wish.

I woke up today and told myself “I'm going to enjoy this day.” “I'm going to find my niche in life.” “I will make a change.”

Rewind about two years ago, I was living in New Jersey and I was bartending a few days a week, I was talking to a guy that wasn’t for me and It was a very mundane, unfulfilling way to live. I was barley working and I spent most of my days watching TV and then I would go to the gym;That was it! I started to fall into the everyday depression which led to wearing sweats all the time. My body started getting slightly “looser” and I just felt gross. I let this go on for over a year until I finally WOKE UP. I got a steady job; I changed my whole diet and started revamping my look. Since that day I lost 35lbs and kept it off. I’m still striving to tone up a little more but at least I know I am on the right track.

Side tracked….

What was I talking about again?

Oh yea BLAH’s!

So the past couple weeks I have been really discontent with where I am at, career wise. Yes, I am grateful I have two jobs. Yes, I am grateful I live in a great apartment and have a wonderful daughter and great friends and family. I thank god for my life all the time but just because I am grateful doesn’t mean I’m necessarily fulfilled. I think we should always strive for better. If you have a goal, achieve it. Don’t just be “ok”, be GREAT! Do what is in your heart. Remember the Child's desire within you and don’t let that go just because you have “enough”. Now, this being said, I cannot be impulsive now that I am a parent. I have to plan, plot and execute with precision and intelligence. I have to define what it is I want, and attack it with a slow, diligent force. But FIRST, I must define my exact wants. If you’re anything like me, you have a lot of ideas, dreams, visions, and plans but have a hard time coming up with one single concise plan of action. My mind is like a chaotic dream, time makes no sense and there are no real plans but I know it’s beautiful and I can feel that it’s what I want, I just can’t seem to define it.

I’m always so scared to make the wrong choice. I become frozen in fear, which is why I believe my life hasn’t come to full fruition yet. However, I am making the choice, now, to follow one of my ideas. Here goes… For a few years now I have been very interested in becoming a personal trainer. I, by no means consider myself to be a “hard body” but I do consider myself a success story when it comes to weight loss. I do understand what it feels like to be overweight and to overcome a four year long plateau. I understand the frustrations with body and self image. I know that being healthy isn’t just exercise and eating salads; it’s a mind, body, spirit connection. I have a strong desire to motivate people. I love challenge and I am a stubborn strong willed woman. So I am making the decision to go to a personal training school. Of course singing is my number one passion but I think I have room for a couple passions in my life. I believe that my journey could really help and inspire others to change their life for the better. So, I ask for your support, my fellow fat babies’. It’s extremely hard for me to make a decision, but in my heart, I know this is a good one.

Stay tuned... You will be on this journey with me!

I encourage you to follow your passion, today. Make that decision,WAKE UP from your dream and make it a reality!

Challenge for the week- Define your passion.

XOXO

Sarah

Green be gone

 Hello My Pretties and Handsomes.

I hope you are living well, making good choices, not settling and exercising! Today's topic is a particularly hard one to write about, but like I always say, honesty is pure and real and just maybe my struggles will help someone else. Let’s start with the color green. One website suggests that, Green is life. Abundant in nature, green signifies growth, renewal, health, and environment. On the flip side, green is jealousy or envy (green-eyed monster) and inexperience. Brace yourself; this is going to get uncomfortable. I struggled for a few days on how and if I should write about this subject. I have little problem talking about food ,heartbreak and insecurity. Jealousy, however, is a tricky one. No one wants to admit they want what others have. It's one thing to envy famous people and models and pine after beauty, success and fame, its quite another to look at those close to your life and wish for the life they lead. This isn’t a feel sorry for me because my life is so crappy rant, I know I am blessed. I am just choosing to talk about and admit the things most of us don’t want to admit. We battle against ourselves everyday. I have always had a problem with jealousy, not malicious sabotage jealousy but quite feelings of “I wish I had what they had.” or “When is it my turn?” or ‘Why couldn’t it of been me?” Wow... admitting this out lout is embarrassing, but I hope by purging this, I somehow cleanse myself of these toxic emotions and be renewed in my thinking. Ever since I was a little girl, I believed I was going to be famous. It wasn’t a question, it was going to happen. It was going to happen in the midst of Waitressing, bartending, receptining(not a work i know), baristing, retailing, you name it,I did it. Everyday of my life I keep thinking, “Just wait for the plan, its coming, just wait for the plan.” But… What if THIS is the plan. *Shutters*

So here is my dirty little secret... READY? I’m jealous a lot. I’m jealous of the women with the husbands that adore them and families that eat at the dinner table. I’m jealous of people who can travel and buy clothes not on sale. I’m jealous of people with a career they love. I’m jealous of people who seem to be void of insecurities but most of all I am jealous of entertainers who are successful. My dream has always been to be a successful singer/actress. Let me preface this by saying I DO NO wish ill will on anyone. As much as I may want it, it wouldn’t make me feel better to see people hurt. I would never do anything to sabotage or get in the way of someone’s plan. Life has a flow and sometimes our impatience can get the best of us, which causes us to question. Feelings of inadequacy and doubt flood our mind and all we can see is what we don’t have. I do believe with all my heart that life is truly what you make of it. What if my plan is to work a bunch of day jobs, raise my daughter, sing my songs, be kind to others and just enjoy living. Cynical Sarah finds that very depressing because I've always thought I was meant for something larger than life. I’ve always seen myself making some kind of imprint on the world, but... what if this is it? Would I be ok with that? What if I don’t “make it”? The place of joy is the place of peace. So I know in my heart that my plan is on track weather I see it or not.  I constantly compare myself to others and some days I really indulge in those “woe is me” feelings. Depression is very real. It will consume you and make you feel like everyone is better. If you allow yourself to believe those dark thoughts then you will make them happen. You will be worse than everyone else because that’s what you have created in your mind. Let’s face it we all have crap to deal with. If my plan is just this, this very moment, right now, then I have to learn to be ok with that. If we cannot appreciate where we are now and are grateful then how are we to be trusted with more? So I will fight this fight will all of you who read this and similar struggles. It’s ok to feel jealous, we are human. We have dreams and hopes, and of course we want what we want. I will fight against this green eyed monster, because it has no part of my plan, other than to teach me humility. I want to say sorry to all those (even if they don’t read or know this is about them) for ever feeling jealous of what you have. Some of these people are very close to me and others we strangers but either way I chose to let this monster out of the bag and fight him with my bare fists. Although he may come back to temp me, I will fight him dally if I have to. Good breeds good. Bad breeds bad. Simple. Whether my plan is this or there is something grand ahead, ill be ok regardless, because daily I will fight the monsters until one day they are a distant memory.

I encourage you to do the same.

Challenge for the week: Log everything you eat and how it makes you feel after

Oh and be kind

XOXO

Sarah

It's not me it's you

Hello my loves.

Welcome to a new week. Monday, dreaded Monday. Except one thing is different about this day: My attitude! This rant is a mix of idealist teenage Sarah, mixed with more experienced, less fairytale minded, yet still hopeful thirty year old Sarah. Yesterday I was on the treadmill at the gym and I happened to catch the end of sex and the city, the series finally, which I have seen before but not for a while. Its so weird how things like a TV show can speak to you when you most need it. I’ve been struggling with letting go lately. Although most of my recent posts are of a positive inspirational nature, my heart has not responded in the same fashion. Its really hard for me to let go of love, because I totally pour my heart into someone, so when its over, I feel an unbearable pain that almost feels like a death, so instead of feeling that pain until its gone, I try to make it work with the person to avoid the funeral feeling. I tend to draw things out and have ten million dramatic goodbyes full of tears followed by kind words, followed by questions I don’t want to know the answers to, followed by hurt feelings. Hey, Sarah lets hurt your heart over and over again just to make sure it real.” (that’s inner me being sarcastic)

Ok, back to sex and the city. So in case you’ve never seen this show, ill briefly explain this episode. Carrie (sjp) is in Paris with her Russian, successful, rich, artist boyfriend (who I personally thought was an old ugly weirdo). She’s pretty much living any girls dream. The problem with this scenario; he’s married to his work and everything that comes along with that life. She finally has an epiphany that what he has to offer is everything but his heart and that realization is enough for her to walk away. I know it’s kind of cheesy referencing a cliché show like this, but let me tell you it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. You know when people say “its not you it’s me.” Sometimes it’s really NOT you it’s THEM. Sometimes the person you’re with can genuinely care for you but just not be capable or available to give you what you need. When we remove emotions from a situation it’s always easier to see clearly. So at the gym at around 2pm, jogging on the treadmill, watching sex and the city, it happened; I got it, I accepted it and I was ok with it. What is it? IT, is accepting that I am officially single. IT, is accepting that it not all my fault and I am not unlovable. IT, is accepting that love will find me and I will not have to convince someone to love me. It is acknowledging that I want love and I am willing to wait for the full 100% real deal. IT, is accepting that things just didn’t work despite my best efforts. Finally “IT” is time to move on. You know when your heart hurts so badly and you feel like you’ll never be ok and you can’t imagine your world with ought the other person in it and you to yearn for the day you will wake up and finally feel ok! Well it happens, it really truly does happen and when it does it’s a magical feeling, like waking up from a long sleep and falling in love with life again. So this Monday is not mundane or depressing like usual, this Monday is my official new start of being single and you know what I am really ok with that. So all my previous posts that I wrote half heartedly believing what I said, yea, I believe it now. So what does this have to do with your life? Everything. Learning how to let go of things we cannot change. Saying goodbye to someone we love even if it kills us, because we know we have to protect our own heart first. Accepting things for what they are and not what they could be. Taking as much time as you need to finally “get it” whatever it may be. In order to move past any circumstance, it is important to let go of the anger and the hurt. Resolve the issues you have within yourself before you try and figure out the other person. So today, I have hope for the unknown, for the love that will find me one day, and I am actually looking forward to the single life again. I’m not too bad once I get to know me.

Have a fabulous week!

Challenge for the week- Eat one less snack, and burn 100 more calories. Easy but effective

XOXO

Sarah

“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

Carrie Bradshaw

Fairwell Mr.Settle Settlerson

To settle or not to settle: That is the question.

Settling is something we all say we never do, but so often find ourselves in those compromising situations; sacrificing our own happiness for a temporary fix. Lowering our expectations even when we feel in our bones it’s wrong.  This kind of “settle” thinking doesn’t just pertain to a relationship, it can be a job, school, or in my opinion and most importantly our health. Without a healthy body and mind how can we expect to attract healthy circumstances? Life is about small choices everyday. If we wake up in the morning and decide to do the best for that specific day, then the outcome in the long run will be much more fulfilling. This is a new year and what better time to start fresh, right? I know new years resolutions are lame but hey I am a firm believer that it’s ok to start over a million times because each time you are closer to getting it right. It’s never ok to “settle” however, it’s always ok to start again if you do.

 Here are some of my examples of settling.

1. Knowing that you need to exercise but making excuses and then complaining about your body. (You are settling for what is instead of what could be)
2. Staying stuck in a job you hate but not looking for anything else and complaining about how much you hate your job (Either learn to be happy with where you’re at or work your butt off to find another option but do not settle for mediocrity)
3. Staying in a relationship that you are clearly unhappy in and making excuses for why it doesn’t work or worse, blaming yourself even when in your heart you know its not you. (Comfort can be a danger zone. Many people stay in a relationship for too long simply because of the “routine” Don’t be scared to be alone, it’s much better than being unhappy with someone else.)
4. Having a craft, skill or talent and not working on making it better everyday but then whining about your unfulfilled dreams. (Your day job does NOT have to define you. Change your mindset. What you do to pay the bills allows you to pursue your dreams, so that maybe one day your dreams will pay your bills.)

That being said, I am guilty of setting in all of the above categories. I am the one that has complained about being a “musician” and having all these stupid jobs I hate. I’m the one who stayed in relationships with guys I “hoped” would change while sacrificing my own needs. I WAS the one who complained about not loosing weight but not doing a damn thing to change it(Luckily I got that one right now, One down, 3 to go)

I got to say it’s a nice feeling to not have the “loose weight resolution” I have control over one thing and its m body. Such a freeing feeling after years of struggling. So just know, anyone reading this that is struggling with weight, you can over come this one! It took me years to get it right, but when you do finally get it right, your life is forever changed!

Now as far as the other type of settling I’m still working on that one. You know those moments where you feel in your gut that you are making a mistake but you do it anyway? Maybe it makes you feel better, and lord knows we are instant gratification beasts. We love to live in the moment and suffer the long last consequences later. In those moments, my goal is to make the choice I know is right even if it’s harder or makes me feel sad temporarily. In those moments where my gut is screaming “Sarah this is a bad idea” I will choose to listen to my gut and put myself first. This is a little way for me to stop settling for less than what I deserve. Life is defined by these spilt second decisions, make the right ones! I hope this wasn’t too all over the place. My mind tends to be a little chaotic when I have these epiphanies, but I hope you take something away from all my rants and I hope that in those potential “settle” moment you choose what’s right not what’s easy.

Stay Strong Grasshoppers

Oh and if you can’t get to a gym, home workouts work just as well!

XOXO

Sarah

“The past has no power over the present moment.”
― Eckhart Tolle

Every cloud has a silver thunderstorm.

Well here is it... My heart out there for everyone to read. I’ve always been candid about my life. I feel like our experiences, painful as they can be, inspire others. It’s not what happens to us that matters, its how we deal with it. We all have our burdens to bear. We all have our inner battles we face daily, even if some of us hide it better than others. As the New Year is upon us many will reflect on this past year, some with regret, some with joy and some with hope for the upcoming year. I feel a little of everything. My life has been like a bad county song. Lost three cars, a job, apartment and a boy friend all in ten months. But this rant isn’t about any of that. Its about one thing we all can relate to; Rejection. We all have been rejected at one point. We all have felt heart break. Most of us know what its like to loose something.

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of my prince. I didn’t have many boyfriends when I was younger but I did have a vivid imagination. I always was in love with the notion of love. I used to watch movies and listen to songs and believe with all my heart that it was all real. That one day I would meet a man who would make me feel like a princess. That soul mates really did exist and that love was the strongest feeling on earth. Sparks, fireworks, butterflies; the whole shabang. I think because I had limited dating experience when I was younger I romanticized everything and basically set myself up for failure. Every single guy I've ever dated has either been emotionally unavailable, messed up, or broken up with me. I’m always heart broken in the end and I always feel like it was my fault. Like, if I just did something different they would have stayed. Fortunately I’m learning my pattern and trying to fix it. I was always choosing guys that were fixer uppers so that I would feel like I was the best they could get, knowing in my heart it wasn’t right, yet trying to force it to work out of sheer stubborn will. It wasn’t till a couple years ago that I started dating up. I only went out with people that I saw a potential future with. See here is some truth about me; I pretend not to be a hopeless romantic but I so am. I keep getting my heart broken but every time I meet some one new I think maybe this is my time. Maybe this is the guy. I’ve only really been in love twice. The first time was when I was 28 and the second was just recently. Before those guys I always knew that even though I may have loved them, it wasn’t a real true love because it wasn’t reciprocated. I have this problem... I give away my heart way to fast. I put my whole self into a relationship and when it’s over I feel like I’ve lost my identity. I pride myself on being an individual but I now realize that I worry too much about the other person and neglect myself. What was once attractive about me fades away with my self confidence.

A man loves a woman who loves herself.  A confident self sufficient individual who keeps her own interest. A woman who is secure in who she is, apart from the title of "girlfriend". Obviously men like to be needed but not to be clung to. This balance is something I am still trying to find in my life. I know I am not the cause of all of my break ups but I can try to improve my weaknesses in order to protect my own heart. All we can do with heartbreak is take the lessons leaned, and hope the next time works out. It’s not fair to our future mate to bring our old baggage into the new relationship. It’s not fair to our own heart to keep it broken and potentially miss out on something amazing.

I’m no victim; I am not the only one in the world with pain. I also know that I have amazing things to offer not just to a man but to the world. My mom always told me it’s better to be loved by the right one that liked by a lot. I will never loose hope. I will never be too broken to love again. It’s ok to cry, to feel sad, and to mourn for a lost love. It’s not ok to let that damage you to the point of brokenness.

For this New Year, I want to focus on my music my daughter and being ok alone. Restoring my heart and my mind. Remembering what’s good in the world. Believing in all the magnificent things ahead and learning from each and every experience. It’s never proactive to hold on to bitterness. Hate only breeds negative reactions from the world around you but forgiveness and a positive attitude can go a long way.(and some good friends to support you) When the storm is over and the clouds subside there is a beautiful rainbow, but we would never see it unless we endured the storm. To be honest, I don’t even believe every word I write but dammit ill keep writing them until I do.

Keep smiling

And take a yoga class while you’re at it

XOXO

Sarah

“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already 3-parts dead.”
-Bertrand Russel

Bucket Barbie

Well it’s that time of year…Reflection Time! Another year is ending and a new one beginning. It’s funny how time seems to go so slow when we are at work or doing something mundane, but then we blink, and another year is over! What did we do? What did we change? What significance did we make on the world? As I reflect on the past year I feel like life was one big whirlwind. Last year I just started a job at a car dealership, I was going through a quasi breakup and I was ok...or so I thought. I am not going to spend too much time talking about the past. I don’t know if you know this about me yet. But I kind of over think EVERYTHING! I constantly think of why things happened of what could I of done to change there outcomes, but this year I am going to work on living in the moment.

So I present to you my Bucket List for 2012

1. Open a savings account
2. Join an acting class
3. Make the music I love
4. Start a Disney fund
5. Discover Self confidence again
6. Stop Complaining(as much)
7. Get a Passport
8. Laugh more
9. Make more coffee date with friends
10. Buy a couch
11. Save for a new car
12. Take a weekend trip somewhere in the US
13. Enroll in personal training/nutrition school
14. Make more time for family
15. Help someone else
16. Dance more
17. Go to church more
18. Enjoy the process
19. Live in the moment!

Well that’s for now.

I’m sure I will add on soon!

I’ve managed to not gain weight during the holidays and stay healthy (minus some cookies and such)

I truly believe this is a new start for me and my daughter. I’ve been knocked down several times. Had my heart broken a couple times and been disappointed more than once but you know what, I’m stronger for all of it. So I hope everyone that reads my rants takes a little inspiration from my words. The world is hard but it’s harder alone. So let’s really try to be there for each other this year! Let the negativity fall away, and like I always say make the choice to be better! I look forward to hearing all of your goals too!

And remember those cookies are for SANTA!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

XOXO

Sarah

A Lone errr?

Afternoon friends!

 Hope your having a healthy and fulfilling week so far. I hope your enjoying all the holiday festivities without overdoing it! I hope you’re making good choices with your health as well as in your personal life. I hope that you’re finding happiness in the small things as well as the Grande ones. I hope your living your life and not just "existing" and most of all, I hope your ok with you. Which leads me to the topic of this Fat Barbie rant.....Alone; this can be an extremely fearful word that instantly makes us feel sad and anxious. Most of our lives are filled with people and things without much “me time”. We run around everyday, from work to the gym (hopefully) and not to mention all the social events, it’s a non stop cycle. Usually we are comforted by people; The ones we love, the ones who make us feel like its going to be ok and even the acquaintances we see on a daily basis like the store clerk of the dunkin donuts cashier (my bff), you get my point. I believe us, as humans love to be around people. I have always considered myself to be somewhat of a loner but I still crave that human interaction. We need people to vent and relate to. Hopefully the people in our lives lift us up but even the ones that drag us down still have a place in our world. So are we really ok, alone? Is there much time in the day that we spend with ourselves? That means no facebook, cell phone, TV etc. How much do we really like who we are? If we are in a relationship, do we put all of our identity and self worth into the other persons love for us? Look, I am going to be real with you. I consider myself to be a strong confident girl. I like who I am, I get along with most people, and I wouldn’t be anyone else in the world but me; that being said, I also kind of suck at relationships. I mean, I am a good girlfriend but I loose myself in the other person. I start off like a tiger but then the slow decline begins and I turn into a harmless kitten (I picked that animal because it’s cute). Little by little I become what I think they want instead of just being who I am. Insecurity and fear seem to take over as well as my fear of losing control, and the “what if’s” seem to sabotage the “what is”. I know we all have our issues but Id like to think we can beat our baggage.

 I’ve come to realize, maybe I am not really ok with me. I say I am, I play the part but when it comes down to it, I put most of my stock in what others think of me. God, I hate admitting that out loud but, acceptance is the first step to change, right? I think we can always be better, stronger, happier, healthy and most of all   more confident in; who we are, what we are and where we are in life. Confidence shouldn’t be about how much money you make or how much stuff you have, it should be the feeling of contentment in oneself. The feeling of “I am ok even if it’s not ok”. Being truly alone with yourself and liking who you are without constant affirmation from others;I am striving for this peace. If my world crashes down around me (which it kind of did) and if there is no one left beside me I am still ok because everyday I make a choice to be better than yesterday

 I am not the best writer and I wish I could express things a little more poetic but all I can say is this... Be ok with you. Be ok with failed relationships, jobs, friends, dreams. Be ok with not being a super model or millionaire. Be ok with your imperfections. Be ok that you’re not always going to feel good. Sometimes you will be lonely and scared. Sometimes you will feel like no one understands. Sometimes you will just want to give up, but don’t because trust me you are wonderful alone. Love every part of you and vow to be better every day. It’s all cheesy but true. We only settle in life when we allow others to control how we feel about ourselves. So make the change today, be strong and keep on moving on!

Happy Thursday... Limit those Christmas cookies!!!!

"I restore myself when I'm alone."

Marilyn Monroe

XOXO 

 Sarah